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March 11th, 2008

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March 3rd, 2008

07:39 pm - Mega-Dread Holy. Crap. I had my first Art Theory class today. The lecture portion was highly informative, and when the assistant took over, lots of interestings. But...we then had lab afterward. I am far too insecure in my own capabilities to be in a class full of such astounding background and perfectionism. We had to create a name block today based on the elements of composition. Basically, our name to sit in front of us on our desks and look like cool versions of us. Boo. After a great deal of casting around, drawing crap in my sketchbook, I finally came across an idea. I figured hey, I'm a writer. I'll use that. So I found some paper to roll up like a scroll for the background. But then it came to adding color and my actual name. I decided to build my name out of words turned sideways and did my best to draw the eye upward for a feeling of inspiration. Never did get around to figuring out color, though, 'cause the paper was beige, my markers ran when applied, and colored pencil just didn't look good. So I spent a crap load of time trying to make my name look good when compiled in words, only to realize that all I had to do was cut out the inside of the black overlay and then write within its parameters. Bah! I spent three hours on the damn thing and didn't finish. So I have to do it as homework. Except when I went to take it out...I realized I forgot my portfolio in the classroom. Oops. So I made Jeremy go get it since he's still there. -__- Not a good day. AND on top of that, I have a homework assignment. It's a sharpee on card stock picture to express the idea of contrast. This class is going to kill me. I don't think freestyle. I'm not a doodler. You give me a purpose to what I'm doing, and my brain will burst with ideas. Tell me I can do whatever I want, and it melts without structure. ::sniffle:: I SO wish I could quit. I SO would. I SO wish the stupid advisors had checked their damn email and freaking gotten back to me while I could change classes. LAME! In other news, I think I have a sinus infection. Not the normal sort of sinus infection. An internal infection. One that's settled into the cavity just above and behind my ear. It HURTS. My whole head feels clogged except my facial sinuses, and I'm tired all the freaking time. Oh, and speaking of, Jeremy called the allergist for me while I was in class today, just to get a figure on how much it would cost to stay, or even just to find out what I'm allergic to. But it's a $240 appointment, and $7 per test, up to 68 tests. Worst case scenario just to get tested, $700 without insurance. ::whimper:: Oh, and Fate also continues to kick my ass. If anyone has any ideas about what I might enjoy as a career that I possibly haven't thought of and preferably doesn't require working in an office every day or massive amounts of expensive schooling, please let me know. I'm all out. Current Mood: drained Tags: allergies, fate, school

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February 26th, 2008

10:28 am - Argh 'N Snuffle The internet continues to lunch on my posts. Very annoyed. Sitting in Art History right now after taking my final. There were a couple questions on this one I had no clue about, so I doubt I will match my 104 out of 100 on the midterm. Oh well. Biggest boo, though, is from the post I lost yesterday. I had my meeting with my Financial Aid advisor, and I'm not going to be able to switch to Web until the middle of March...'cause otherwise, my living expenses check will be delayed another month. MEGA BOO. That means I have to take the scary hands-on class next month (urgh. Next week!) after all. Unless I can manage to convince Education to switch the classes around so I don't have to pay $4k for classes I won't need. Month three and four are exactly the same for both programs, so one would think it wouldn't be a tremendous issue. But...it probably will be. So not looking forward to...uh...anything, right now. That really exemplifies the mood of yesterday and today. My allergies are all screwy, my sleep's totally off, my poor husband is about ready to drop dead from overwork and dealing with group members' senioritis, my bank account is at $11, my muse is away at a spa and I can't make myself get excited about writing, my poor husband's grandfather had a near-stroke after breaking a few ribs, and I've gained an inch since moving back to Florida. And the majority of phone calls I get are complaints from someone about how their significant other has too much money, stability, and ambition. The agony! So tired. Want to sleep. Instead, must watch video on modern artists, which are not exactly my faves. Hungry, but again...must watch video. We are, however, currently listening to clips from Holy Grail, which helps. Current Mood: sleepy Tags: life, school

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February 25th, 2008

01:03 am - Fate's Antics I've actually written two very long posts that would have delighted my bored readers. Unfortunately, the internet ate them. I don't have full, real access to the internet at home. I just piggyback an open connection elsewhere in the complex. Sometimes it's beautifully direct, and sometimes it's nearly nonexistent. Anyway, it makes for a scattered surf. Life is weird. That's generally. MY life, as of this weekend is freakish. Fate has actually shoved itself bodily in my path to slap me back...wherever I'm supposed to be. I've had bizarre coincidences showing up for the last week or so, the sort that make me feel as if I'm dreaming a random selection of things I've thought about during the day shoved into an ordinary situation. My degree program at Full Sail changed the same day I started, and I didn't know it until I was sitting in orientation. (More about that later, perhaps.) At a point where we had exhausted all our financial resources, about ready to tap sources we never want to have to rely on, a check from Jeremy's financial aid showed up that he should have gotten back in December. Yesterday, I received an email from someone who meant a great deal to me nearly ten years ago and from whom I never expected to hear anything ever again. For a while, every time I signed online it was to discover another article or blog post or reply to one of the above that seemed directly pointed at me, what I write, or the lifestyle I was intent on building. It's crazy! So, here's the current run-down. Jeremy graduates April 11th. I have to talk to Financial Aid tomorrow to see when I get my check, and then I'm going to talk to an advisor to switch me over to Web Design. Because despite waking up this morning with a sadness that doing so would steal me out of corporate branding, logo design, and things I'd really love to learn, it'll give me more of what I want to turn into a career and less of what terrifies me. IF they can change me over in a week, I'll start Beginning Computer Graphics next month, followed by Advanced Computer Graphics. Without the scary 'real art' painting/drawing class, and without being stuck with the class of expert artists I'm with now. Jeremy's going to talk to career development later this week to see about jobs with Universal, Disney, or commercials for after he graduates. And then when I'm done, we're moving to Albuquerque. Again. Probably. It seems like there was more I was going to say...but I no longer remember what it was. Yawn. Current Mood: nostalgic Tags: career, fate, school

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January 6th, 2008

10:37 am - Best Quizzlet EVER! Your home is a Philanthropic Muse's Castle Your kitchen is someplace you never go, because you "have people for that." There's a Chocolatessen, which is rapidly becoming your favorite room of the house. Having one is also becoming a trend among your wealthy neighbors. Your master bedroom has a bedside table with a pad for writing down late-night inspirations. Your study has hardback editions of every classic ever written, plus a special edition of Rich Dad, Poor Dad with the parts you ghost-authored highlighted. One of your garages holds your collection of ferraris, and is measured in acreage. Your home also includes a gallery of your favorite works -- the originals, of course. Your guests enjoy your home theater with hi-def plasma screen TV, and the thrones you watch it from. Outside is your hedge maze and gardens, meticulously tended by a team of world-class botanists. Below is a snippet of the blueprints: Build YOUR Dream House! Oh, and I'm moving back to Florida in a week...just FYI if anyone still reads this... :T Current Mood: amused Tags: dream house, florida

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December 17th, 2007

09:16 pm - S.A.D. Unlike usual, today it stands for Seasonal Affective Disorder instead of Social Anxiety Disorder. I'm two kinds of SAD, isn't that lovely? I can't remember if I mentioned it here or not...seeing as it's been three weeks since my last post, I doubt it. So, last week or the week before, I realized that I've been having an odd relapse of what appeared to be my social anxiety. I had all of these feelings of worthlessness in the eyes of others crop up and I suddenly really didn't want to go to work anymore. (Part of the latter is because I murdered my knee the week before last, and it swelled up at work to the size of a grapefruit, but I didn't tell anyone. So of course, it looked like I was massively slacking off instead of being in considerable pain, and I got a talkin' to.) I found myself saying rather depressing things to people I'm not usually depressed around, and just generally having a really sucky time of it. And then I realized, oh, it's December. In Colorado. I get to work as the sun rises, and go home as it sets. I ingest practically no sunlight. :/ Oops. So obviously I'm suffering from seasonal depression...and as soon as I figured that out, it got better. Once I know the problem I can alter the behavior/thought processes that compound it. Unfortunately, I inherited this SAD from my mother (one from both parents...aww...), and she has it about 50 times worse than I do. Which means I compound hers and she compounds mine. I get quieter, she gets chattier. She drinks more, I retreat further. Which makes her feel worse and try harder, which makes me want her to go away all the more. Which just generally makes the home life ridiculously unpleasant. Add to it the fact that the step brother just moved in for a couple weeks and the mother's husband's job not doing so hot, and life is just f-ing peachy all around. Really, it's not that bad. I'm just having a bad day, I guess, 'cause I'm sick. Happy to report, however, that my immune system is doing a smashingly better job than usual, and instead of being really sick for a week and a half, I felt like I was coming down with something for four days, got sick for three, and will hopefully be mostly better tomorrow. Rock on! I'm going to thank the Cold-Eeze for helping, and recommend it to anyone who doesn't want to get massively sick. Worked for me! Went to the museum yesterday to see the Titanic exhibit. It was very nifty...and hugely creepy. For me, anyway. I went with Derek & Suzanne and Mike & Deanna so we could have a grand old theatre pal get together, and I could still see Titanic. Unfortunately, that left me as the fifth wheel. Always the odd one out, the one accidentally left behind. Which worked, at least in Titanic, 'cause I wanted a personal experience anyway. But...yeah. Didn't help the depression much, 'cause it made me miss Jeremy with great oomph. Also can't get a car, if I didn't mention that earlier. Even if I quit Borders and got a job that doubled my pay, I couldn't get a car. That sucks beyond suck. It was my one solace to staying here, and now I don't have it. So now I'm back to my waffling days of not knowing where I want to be or what I want to be doing with my time. I was gung-ho about going to Metro for a semester this spring, went through the process of getting it all figured out and my holds removed. And now...nothin'. Yesterday I desperately wanted to go back to New Mexico to get an architecture degree from UNM. And today I want to go to Full Sail to be a web designer. Argh! I want to be with Jeremy but I don't want to leave my friends. I want to get the hell out of this house, but I can't pay for my own place and I'd be smack in the middle of allergy season if I went back to Florida. I'm stuck. Again. And desperately wishing a great Cosmic Teacher or whatever would knock on the door and lead me down the path to becoming what I'm going to be good at. Life is so much easier in books. -__- At least the marital side of things has quieted down. I'm not constantly worried about whether I should walk or whether I should stay. For which I am incredibly thankful and much relieved. I still can't make hard plans for the future, but at least I have some wiggle room and breathing space. It's extra good, too, because work is nuts. We get in three or four pallets of books (that's 50+ boxes per pallet) every weekday, and clear out maybe one and a half a day. If we're lucky. And the rest of our time is spent on the floor, helping customers, answering the phone, or working register. I polled my fellow team members to see if they'd be willing to come in early again for a week so we can try to get caught up (and not have to work with customers as long every shift), but they basically said they'd rather quit. Dandy. Jeremy said they went to overnights when he was there two or three weeks before Christmas because they'd have been too backed up otherwise, but I doubt the team would be up for that, either. Gah. It's no wonder I slept for 14 hours today... Current Mood: annoyed Tags: museum, sad, school, sick, work

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November 26th, 2007

07:43 pm - Floridian Days Erg. I keep vacillating on whether I want to move back to Florida or not. My allergies haven't attacked me yet, so I've been having relatively good days. Except for those when I'm out in the humidity and sun for several hours, and then I'm ready to fall asleep wherever. Dunno if it's because I get dehydrated, if it's allergies, if I'm just stressed...or...what. Very annoying, though. On those days, I don't want to come back. And then we drive by Jeremy's school, and all of a sudden, this urge to attend strikes me and I don't care how I feel. Sigh. Speaking of which, Jeremy made an observation a couple days ago that should have been about as obvious as a pumpkin in a field of string beans and yet somehow always eluded me. Somehow. Pish. I know why it eluded me...I'm my mother's daughter and always blame stuff on my flaws and lacking in whatever area best suits at the time. I always figured I was a slacker who can't commit to anything in my life (minus relationships. I have no problem committing 100% to people in any sort of relationship...), and that's why I've never finished school. I've been whining and squirming for the last six months trying to figure out what I want to do as a day career, which basically told myself that I had no friggin' clue because I'm just not driven like other people are and like I should be. Jeremy made a comment that blew that out of the water. It's not that I'm not driven. It's not that I can't commit to anything. It's that I don't know what to commit to first. I have a dozen things I want to do, that I'm not just interested enough in to make a career out of, but that I actually actively want to participate in. All of them. I'm like the ten year old who wants to be a doctor, an actress, a zookeeper, a mommy, and an astronaut, and believes this should be possible in one lifetime. Except, I have this wacky idea from somewhere that I have to pick one job and stick with it until I die or retire. Jeremy, whose dad went from job to job to make ends meet, has no such conception. In his world, you don't go to school...you just work until you find something that pays well enough and that you enjoy well enough, and you do it until it goes away or you find something even better. Weird. Anyway, it's been very frustrating for me, trying to reconcile wanting to go into six fields simultaneously, but having to choose one for the rest of my life. Thankfully, Jeremy helped break the wall down there. So now I just have to figure out which one I want to do first. Also thankfully, writers can be blissfully eclectic, and no one will think less of them for it. :D Jeremy starts the first of his last four or five classes tomorrow. They all revolve around the final production, so it's really the beginning of the end. I'm so proud of him. :) And excited for him! But at the same time, sad I won't be here to see any of it. I really wish I'd been here to at least walk onto the set of their Spartan short, 'cause it looked cool in the pics. Oh well. I get to buy a car soon. Hurray! I really miss having a place of mine own, but it'll have to wait another six months or so. Boo. We were intending to go car shopping today, just to take a gander at what's out there, but Jeremy spent half an hour on the phone with the insurance agent, and I just didn't want to look at cars when ours is so suddenly pathetic. It was bad before, and then Jeremy got rear-ended at a stoplight last night, and now it's extra sad. The bumper's all shriveled, and the trunk is slightly warped. Not so bad, except the trunk is only blocked from the rest of the car by the back seats...which means all the obnoxious sounds outside the car (like the squealing brakes and the hard idle and...do I need to go on?) are now inside the car, too. It also totally broke the driver's seat, because the force of the collision plus Jeremy's weight just snapped the sucker when he slammed backward. It also gave him whiplash, which is the worst of it. :( Not horrible, but enough to scare me and make him tremendously uncomfortable. I read something today that said, like lungs, it takes the neck three months to fully heal itself. O_o Yikes! He is otherwise okay, which we're very, very, very, very thankful for. And the woman's insurance is paying for all repairs, and ours is covering a rental for however long it takes to fix it. So that's good. I wish we could get two new cars, but...ouchie. This one just has to last another four or five months, and then we can chuck it. :T Anyway, that's the news here. Still ecstatic that I didn't have to work on Black Friday, and not really looking forward to going back post-BF, but ah well. I like my job, even if it's scary. :) Ooh! And I finally get to have all those doctor's visits I should have been having yearly, but haven't. Like getting my eyes checked. And having my teeth looked at. Soooo happy about that! And now I have to go find Jeremy a doctor, just in case the pain gets worse so I don't have to worry about him from Colorado with no way to help. :( Current Mood: tired Tags: car, florida, school

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November 18th, 2007

12:19 am - What was that whizzing by my head? Oh. Time. Right. I keep meaning to do things...and then forgetting, and they just get away from me. Like posting. I generally start falling asleep at the computer whenever I try to post, so I don't do it very often (obviously). Work is going well. Still exhausting, still fun. Will probably change to scary and draining and frickin' exhausting next week, but I won't know until the end of the month. I'm goin' to Florida to visit the husband-person for our anniversary-thing. :) My boss was brilliantly wonderful in allowing me to have Thanksgiving week off in addition to part of the following week. She rocks! And now I need to go transfer laundry into the drier so I can go to bed and get some five hours of sleep before I leave for the airport. (Silly me, seeing a movie instead of packing...) Current Mood: excited Tags: anniversary, travel, work

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October 21st, 2007

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October 13th, 2007

05:12 pm - Woohoo! I got paid yesterday! :D Yay for money!! Day before yesterday, I went through an entire pallet of boxes by myself. And I did it again today, too! Go me! Although...I think they're sort of annoyed that I haven't answered the calls for backup at the register. <.< I'm afraid of reg. It moves so faaast. And I feel so duuuumb. Boo. I also don't answer the phone, 'cause I'm afraid of not being able to help the people on the other end. Or of cutting them off. I have a work-related phone phobia due to my day as the Walmart phone rep. That sucked sooooooo much, and I never want to do it again! >_< Not that Borders is so bad...but...yeah. Still have phone phobia. Bleh. But yay me for sorting up a storm! I've also lost three or four pounds in the last week or so, and I can totally tell. Dunno if it's visible to others, but my tummy is less there. Go ME! Yay for Borders. (I'm a little braindead right now; I'm sure it's obvious.) My back hurts. I'm sure more hurts right now, too, but my back is the most obvious. Eesh. Jeremy and I are on a sort of talking hiatus right now. Not because we had a fight or anything! We just decided it would be a v. v. good thing for him to prove to himself that he can survive without me, and to have a chance to make his own decisions and changes and actions without my telling him to first. It might help boost his confidence. And I need to learn how to be selfish...just a little. And have the opportunity not to worry about his emotional state of being all the time so that I can learn to take care of me. We're on day...uh...four of fourteen. Ten more days to go! That sounds scary...and yet...today and yesterday weren't so bad. But that could be because work still wears me out too much to notice. :P I need to write him a letter, since we're not allowed to email, either. Oh! And I need to write his script for 35mm. Eeeee. I keep forgetting about that. I intended to finish up the first chapter of Gryphon's Overture beforehand, and I've been too tired after work. Gotta do that over the next two days, since I have them off. Except tomorrow I'm hanging out with Ian...either watching him play kickball (which cracks me up...the thought of grown men playing kickball on a league. ::snicker:: ) or going to a movie. I have to charge my phone before I can call, 'cause I don't have his local number and the house phone doesn't have long distance. And then on Monday I get to meet Erin's two littlest boys and hang out with her for a while. I'm so excited! OH!! And I figured out who the girl is at work that I couldn't remember where I knew her from. I worked with her at the theatre. I actually tagged along once when she went bowling with mutual friends. Hehehe. The difference seven years makes! It's extra amusing, because I'm pretty sure she's the reason Ian took so long to sort of go out with me. The butthead. Him, not her. I don't think she was at all interested. But the irony is overwhelming. Hee hee hee. She's just as spacey now as she was then, though also as nice and outgoing. It's funny, though. :) And now I have to strangle Andrew and Nathaniel until they decide what I'm feeding them for dinner before we go see a mooooovie. Current Mood: amused Tags: friends, marriage, money, work

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October 3rd, 2007

07:23 am - Zombie Holly! Goodness gracious. We had an overnight tonight, which was...actually lovely, in and of itself. We had stuff to do all the time and didn't have to worry about customer interruptions or answering the stupid phone. Which meant I didn't have to worry about not asking people if they needed help and not answering the phone. :/ I need to get better at that, but I don't feel comfortable enough with the store itself for most things. I got three customer requests for help on Monday, and could only help one of them by myself. -__- I'm starting to feel dumber and more incompetent as shifts go by. It sucks. I'm slow, and I hate it. I mean, I don't really have a choice. My muscular ability is low low low, and I still don't know where everything is (Jeremy made the somewhat obnoxious comment in trying to help me feel better that he eventually got to the point where he could almost shelve, alphabetically in most sections, with his eyes closed. Butthead.). Most of my coworkers are female, which is tricky, since I haven't had to deal with women...um...at all, really. I miss male supervision. They're a lot more open about stuff without waiting for questions. Sometimes that makes them look like dicks, but I'd be okay with that. I just don't want to feel dumb and lame all the time. :/ Jeremy has Post Production and Communications this month, the first on Christening, the short they did a few weeks ago in class, and the second is pretty much a class on How To Network Like a Pro. I still don't know what I want to do or where I want to go as far as education is concerned. But! I figured out how to revamp the beginning of my book so I can resub it to the editor assistant before she totally forgets what it was. That's a big plus. And I'm sure I'm going to start losing inches and pounds here before all too long, so I should be content. Except I feel stupid and inept... ...And really darn tired. So I think I will go shower and take myself away to beddy-bye. Nigh-night! Current Mood: sore Tags: work

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September 28th, 2007

06:05 pm - So. Tired. Zzzzzzzzzz. Huh? Oh, right. Posting. It's only 6pm, and I'm ready to go to bed. Granted, I have to be up in just under 12 hours, so it's not as bad as it could be. I mean, it's not like I've only been up for 4 hours now. :) I was really concerned for myself last night because I keep...well, my brain has been unable to hold thoughts for very long, and it's totally sluggish. I played Monopoly with Beth and my dad last night, and I couldn't focus. And I was silly, which means I was obviously more tired than I realized at the time. I'm only silly when that post-exhausted adrenaline rush is pumping through my system. So I was concerned, worried there was something wrong with my brain. Until Jeremy reminded me that I've been running on 3 - 5 hours of sleep every day this week, then spending eight hours moving, hauling, shoving and *working.* AND I still eat the same amount I did before, so I think my body is plowing through it really fast, which doesn't help. I've been reminded what hungry means, which is nice. Now if my stomach could coordinate with my brain and help it figure out how to tell me, in an obvious and proper manner, when I'm tired, I'd be set. Anyway, obviously I have a job. :) Yaaaaay! I'm working on the inventory team at Borders, and I enjoy it mightily. There are communications breakdowns occasionally, and sometimes when I ask a question, somebody else fixes the problem without telling me why or how to do it myself. That's somewhat annoying. But the people are sooo nice! And it's books! And it's active! And did I mention books? It's only $8/hr, but that's eight bucks more than I was making, and it's enough to get me a car...eventually. It has full insurance after a month, which is AWESOME, and one of the major reasons I fought to work there. Hopefully the plan hasn't changed in the year since we were enrolled. :T I did a file audit for Amanda (she's in HR) last week over three days, and I got $14/hr. It hurt knowing I made enough money in three days to buy a Wii without flinching. :( But I woke up the second day and really didn't want to go back...which is probably the biggest indicator to myself that I didn't like it, despite the money (I'm kind of dumb that way, since I've been conditioned to try hard and ignore my own feelings until they overwhelm me and force me to give up). It's been a week, and I haven't felt a hint of that hesitation. (Oops...I just felt in my pocket, and I brought a box cutter home with me...) Every job I've had where I quit relatively quickly, that feeling was there. But really, despite the fact that I can barely move right now without a great deal of pain from massively sore muscles, I love my job. It's exactly what I needed. :D I NEED the physical exertion, and not just because it'll help me lose weight. It's perfect for writing, in fact. It's social enough that the alone time with the people in my head will be welcomed, but not so much so as to wear me out internally. There may be higher politics, but I don't have to give a darn about them, 'cause I have no responsibilities beyond my job description. That is SUCH a relief. Our marketing manager is a gay Stanley Tucci, and adorably peppy (and freaking nice). The GM is lovely, and I actually managed to chat openly with her during my interview. My inventory manager is, I think, a lesbian (can't be sure, as I can spot a gay man at twenty paces, but generally have to be a woman is before I can see the signs...but...yeah...still pretty sure), but she's funny if a bit gruff and demanding, and she's nice and supportive. I have acquaintances among the general populace that could easily become friends - though the girl who's Cameron's age that I really liked works in the cafe, which means I'll rarely see her. I have stuff in common with these people, which is weird. I went to high school with one of them, though she didn't remember me and for the life of me, I can't remember what class or friend we had in common. But we were in the same graduating class, I think. Oh, I was talking about why it's good for writing. Right. I haven't been writing much in the last several (many) months because sitting too long (which can be only half an hour) makes me feel crappy. My head fills up, I get dizzy, and my sinuses have a cow. It's more than unpleasant. But the exercise provided with the job should help counteract that effect. AND Borders recently started an employee-publishing program. They review manuscripts, buy those they think are up to snuff, publish them and give them all the support Borders marketing can provide, which is a massive amount. I don't know the contractual details, though, so I don't know how good it is, but it's still there! Anyway, my three days at Amanda's office were enough to validate my feeling that I wouldn't like an office job. I hated the environment, despite it being a sunny, lovely place. The corporate politics were stupid, the office relations were just plain scary, and the stress just dripped off of practically everybody there. I would have a nervous breakdown in an office job after a couple of months. The money just isn't worth it. And really, I don't want that much money right now. That sounds dumb, I'm sure, but we would end up spending it on stuff we don't need, forget how to manage our money, and then be screwed once Jeremy graduates. And in the end, we wouldn't have any more saved than we will on $8. Because at $14, I could get my own apartment as well as a car, and I'd do it. Having been without money for so long, I'm sure I'd have shopping sprees simply so if we ran out, I'd have what I need for another several years. And I don't want that. Money isn't everything. Right now, I'd rather have less stress and a job that managed both my weight and my old stress build-up than a job that paid well enough to pay off our credit cards. Maybe that's irresponsible of me, but I've spent long enough hating my life and being miserable. I'd much rather be poor and content than better off financially and crazy. In other news, Jeremy starts filming Toosutaa tomorrow. That'll be fun, I hope. Yesterday was his birthday, and he spent half of it dealing with guys pushing 30 who couldn't be bothered to pay attention or communicate. Poor thing. Life at the house has stabilized, now my mother and I have had a massive fight and emerged from the other side with a better understanding of things. She actually told me it wasn't my job to worry about her, and to stop doing it...which...made an amazingly enormous difference. And now I'm sure my pizza is cold, so I should go eat it before it goes away. Current Mood: sore Tags: money, toosutaa, work

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September 16th, 2007

02:10 pm - Career Test I have a different version of this on my writing journal, in meme format. This is my final - post-question-change and making more sense - answer set. The bolded ones are those that match best to my skill set. 1. Website Designer 2. Technical Writer 3. Makeup Artist 4. Desktop Publisher 5. GIS Specialist 6. Archivist 7. Political Aide 8. Video Game Developer 9. Epidemiologist 10. Fisher 11. Artist 12. Anthropologist 13. Special Effects Technician 14. Picture Framer 15. Gardener 16. Furniture Finisher 17. Critic 18. Criminologist 19. Multimedia Developer 20. Historian 21. Fruit and Vegetable Grower 22. Potter 23. Dancer 24. Taxidermist 25. Forestry Technician 26. Webmaster 27. Sport Psychology Consultant 28. Tailor / Dressmaker 29. Psychologist 30. Web Developer 31. Gerontologist 32. Model Maker 33. Business Systems Analyst 34. Home Inspector 35. Professional Athlete 36. Database Developer 37. Coast Guard 38. Archaeologist 39. Ship's Crew 40. Writer Current Mood: amused Tags: career

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September 11th, 2007

11:04 pm - Bummer Day Actually, that is a poor descriptor. And mine wasn't really as massively suckitudinous as other peoples'. In fact, compared to some, it was beautiful. I spent time in the sun at a botanic garden in Littleton with Suzanne. It was exactly what I needed to wear me out. :) I've been having a super sucky time sleeping, so that's a wonderful thing. Emotionally, though, the last few days have been doozies. I'm not gonna go into it, 'cause it would sound/feel petty and whiny in the face of other things. I will say, however, that I feel really, really bad about my convo with Jen today. I really need to learn how to shut up when I know I should. I never used to have that problem! I've been so starved for interaction in Florida that I take advantage of any new, trustworthy and respectable outlet. Bah on me! She didn't need more to think about. I dunno...I think some part of my brain thought if she had something she could actually vent about and/or discuss, that maybe she'd feel a little better. But I think what I did was just dump on her, and I totally didn't want to do that. Sorry Jen. :( :( On another note, I hauled my mostly intelligible self to Borders tonight, and actually got to talk to someone with access to applications. Apparently, I failed the entrance exam. :P!!! It's all those dumb, pointless, vague questions at the end of the application. If a person doesn't score a certain number, they aren't allowed to call them. At all. She was really nice about it, though. She told me to fill it out again, keeping in mind it scores big on teamwork and customer interaction, and call her later this week. Can someone explain to me the purpose of a test to determine eligibility that's so unimportant, the hiring manager will tell a person how to do better? I'm glad she was willing to, I just think the questions are idiotic. Like, "You don't fake being polite." If I say no, am I saying that I'm not polite when I don't want to be, or that I'm always genuinely polite? How can it possibly score for a difference in reader interpretation?? Stupid! But the manager was very nice and personable, and the three other people I've talked to there have been the same. That is why I like Borders. Barnes and Noble is full of arrogant, cold snits who are the retail equivalent of professorial snobs. You may catch a Border employee on a bad day, but I don't know if in the last few years, I've ever run into a B&N floor employee on a good one. :P Lame, lame, lame. But, I've filled out a new application, pretending to be an excellent saleswoman and hyper-people person with grand leadership skills. Go me. That's the other part I don't get. It tells you to move quickly, to answer according to preference and feelings, as opposed to what one CAN be. I don't like small talk, but that doesn't mean I won't pretend to happily engage in it with customers. I may not like leading so much, but once accustomed to the post I do a smashing enough job at it. Current Mood: tired

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September 8th, 2007

01:44 am - Bad Poster It's been two weeks since I've updated. Oops! Life got kinda busy...no, not busy. Full. Yes. That's it. It got full. Had Derek and Suzanne and Mike over a couple days before my birthday. That was fun. :) Hadn't seen Mike since...uh...my wedding day. Much too long. He's a funny guy, and I'd forgotten quite how much happier just having him around makes me. I don't have enough positive people around me. Anyway, Derek brought Guitar Hero 2 over, and we had fun playing that (though Derek thrashed us all quite soundly). Had the male family persons over to have cake on my birthday, which would have been more fun had I mastered the art of making it impossible to discuss politics. Alas, I have not. I'm beginning to wonder if I can be around Charlie for very long without Jen. The last couple of times I've seen him, I got flashbacks to high school. He has sooooo much intensity, and I don't know if it gets worse when he's happy, or when he's stressed. He makes me feel bad frequently, and I know he doesn't mean to do it - he just doesn't see the way some of his comments will make other people feel. I'd really, really like to be good friends with my brother, but...er...I guess our interests and communication styles are a little too different. Or maybe he's just really stressed and can't help making everything negative. I don't know. But it makes me sad. :( I feel really bad that I haven't hung out with Jen since I've been back, too. But without a car, I don't want to call her up and say, "Hi, Jen - would you come pick me up and go through that whole awkward family-ish thing that'll crop up if you don't spend half an hour being weirded out by my mom?" It's not so spiffy an excuse, but she's gobs of busy/stressed without extra help. I've been slacking in the hanging out with people department overall, actually. I had the lovely, lovely week when it was just me and Andy in the house (and occasionally, annoyingly the step-brother), and spent most of my time with him. Poor Andy. He's sooooooo lonely! There have been several times when I've been futzing around on the computer or watching tv, and turned around to find him doing something quietly behind me, just to be in the same room. In fact, I caught a nasty cold earlier this week, and actually had to physically kick him out of my room so I could rest because he just doesn't want to be alone. And I totally don't blame him! The parental-type units are crazy. (For example, my mom woke me up at one today - which is usually about the time I've been getting up, except she knows the last three nights I haven't gone to bed until after she got up to take Andy to school - to see if I wanted to run errands with her. At the groggy, sniffly sight of me, she frowned and asked me if my allergies were bothering me. I blinked at her. She carried on with something and I interjected, "It's not my allergies, I'm sick." She looked at me in confusion and asked if I needed some medicine from the store. This is after TWO DAYS of constant nose-blowing, moaning about the kitchen, and general grogginess, as well as multiple conversations about my being sick.) So I spent that week with him, this week getting and being sick, and the time before that acclimating to the home surroundings again. Next week doesn't promise to be fun, either. My mom is driving Eric to California tomorrow so he can see his step-dad before he dies. Is very, very sad. And means Andy and I will be home with the mother's husband until Wednesday without interference. Ew. Every now and again, he proves to be a nice sort of guy...it by no means cancels out his usual dickishness, but it makes me wonder what level of alcohol is enough, but not too much. Sigh. They're both so constantly negative. He's got his one-up-manship and "I'm Cool" stories, and she's got her...well...she's her. The house was just starting to cleanse itself of the bad energy when they came home, and then it was instantly full up again with unhappiness. Blah. How much of a down payment does one need when purchasing a car to preclude a massive monthly payment? :P Hmmmm...have had some heavy convos with Jeremy regarding...things. Poor thing is understandably depressed without me. I'm sure it doesn't help that half the time we talk, it's me complaining about the parental-type people. I'm embarking on a mission to alter the way in which I express myself to fix that. I despise that I spend a good portion of my discussions with other people complaining about how dumb certain people are, and how much my life sucks. There's only so much purging one can do before it becomes unhealthy. And annoying to others. :T That is my new goal: To become a happy Holly, and a positive person that others enjoy being around. It'll be tricky, since the energy in the house seeps under the skin to make a person decidedly UNhappy, but I'm resolute. My environment will not drag me down with it! :D Current Mood: sick

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August 18th, 2007

07:02 pm - Emotional Purge Ooooookay. I've been putting off posting because I just haven't had my head together enough to form anything coherent pretty much the entire time I've been here. It's been a complete roller coaster. There are okay days and there are bad days. And then there are really bad days. Thankfully haven't had too many of the latter (where's some wood to knock on?). After two+ weeks, though, I think I'm finally starting to come back to the world at large. People keep asking why I've come back. My automatic response is so that my allergies don't make me miserable 24/7. People don't generally understand that option, as they figure "allergies" to be the usual sneezy bit. This leads to pressure to come up with a better answer, but frankly, anything more than that is Too Much Information To Share. I don't like sharing intimate, deeply personal stuff with most people. ( But I'm going to, anyway. ) There we have it. That's what I've done with my two+ weeks in Colorado. I've stepped determinedly onto the road to discover who the hell I am and given up supporting my mother in any way. I spent Thursday night in an anxiety attack followed by a brief spell of puking, but who knows - maybe that was a physical manifestation of this emotional purge. Or maybe I just ate something my stomach didn't appreciate. :) Had a nice day today, too, when the family got together to celebrate our 4 August birthdays (except for the part where Charlie got mad at me - but how was I supposed to know he was serious, when he frequently pretends to want a card when it's practically in your hand already?). Only half a lecture on getting a job (which my dad handily turned into a joke), nothing about leaving my poor husband all alone and thereby obviously ruining my marriage, and only a vague sense that people didn't know what to do with me anymore. I really AM out of practice in talking, though...I did notice that. My verbal brain has practically turned off, because talking to Jeremy is so familiar and intimate that it's like talking to myself. It doesn't really count as a conversation, as far as my brain is concerned. :P Current Mood: optimistic Tags: emotions, life path

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August 7th, 2007

10:28 pm - Movies! Okay, so I'm in CO, at the mother's house. It's...ermph. Don't have the energy to comment at the moment. Instead, a list of movies I have and haven't seen (dunno who came up with it, but here it is). ( Movies movies movies! ) TOTAL: 130/239 Current Mood: bored

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July 29th, 2007

03:21 am - Unrelated Ramblings I am absolutely exhausted. I stayed up Thursday night to help Jeremy finish his portfolio, and didn't get to bed until 6:30 Friday morning. Then on Friday night, I was so sleepy and yet not wanting to sleep, I again didn't get to bed until 6-ish on Saturday. AND I exercised really hard on Thursday, and haven't been eating as much, so my body is running on empty. Ugh. It's now 3:16 on Sunday, and I have to be up by noon to be able to clean the apartment (not that I have to) before 4 and then be able to make aebliskivers ('cause I want to) for the boys at 6. I should be in bed, and yet...hmmm...I think I'm worried about leaving and don't want to go to sleep because it brings me one day closer to going. :T Also, I have two really adorable chocobos on FFXI. My first one got really creepy looking as a juvenile, but these two are going to be blue and black, respectively, and they're just freakin' cute! :D Um...Stargate: Atlantis rocks. Must watch more. Haven't written. Must do more of that post-move. Will have to think about many, many, MANY things post-move, but don't want to contemplate that right now. My CU app is finally complete. So they can finally review it. -__- I have little faith that it will be done by the time I need to be moving up there. Which means, if they admit me, I'll have to get a job until January and start then. Which means five months in the mother's house. Ew. Now I go bed. Nigh-nigh. Current Mood: exhausted

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July 26th, 2007

05:28 am - O_o I have babies on the brain. I don't WANT to have babies on the brain, but there they are. I dreamt last night that I had a perfect, beautiful little girl. Only one person was there when she was born, and I don't even remember who that was. Not somebody important, at any rate. And then it went all silly sci-fi, and it destroyed a beautiful moment with stupid fear. I know WHY I've been thinking about babies. But I really wish I would stop. I think a huge part of it is because I think Katie and her new husband are trying for one, and that just totally fried my brain. Not because they shouldn't, or because the baby won't be 100% adorable, which it will, but just because it puts things in different perspective. Erin has four, probably going to be cooking number five pretty soon. April has one. Cathie has two. I think, maybe, it's because our three musketeers had yet to conceive. We haven't really been that for many years, but the feeling is still there. Sisters united. Having been the first to be married, that doesn't feel like such a big step to me. Having a baby, though...that's huge. Getting married is just solidifying that which you've hopefully done for some time prior to the ceremony - it's not really a change. A baby means adulthood, even if one is not really an adult (reference two of the above mentioned mommies). A baby changes *everything.* Change and Holly are not always on speaking terms. I haven't wanted a baby for months and months. The desire was completely and utterly transplanted out of me. My present circumstances, getting ready to pick up my life and try again, is not exactly conducive to the infant way of life. And yet, all it took was one stupid dream to bring it back. And it's really weird, but every time I think about friends who have kids, I feel really sad. Mostly because we've lost touch, but also because I won't have the opportunity to be a part of their lives (both the mothers/fathers and the children) during the little kid phase. Like my dad's secretary/VP was in ours...only better. I'm sure Erin's kids have a boatload of 'aunties' and 'uncews' to make their lives more stable and joyful, but I still miss being one of them. I spent a lovely afternoon with her when the first one wasn't even a year old, I met the second at April's wedding, and that's it. Maybe it's because my second-tier family was so small, or because my dad was adopted, or because my cousin Eric isn't really my cousin in any legal sense of the word, but I've always had a sort of pride in making one's own family from those who mean the most. Maybe I'm just being a nostalgic nutter. That's one of my problems with making friends, after all. I have acquaintances, and I have family. There isn't really much in between. I never really feel as if I've lost a friend when they're not around anymore...we've just put each other on a shelf for a little while. Which is, of course, why when I have to say goodbye to one it has to be in some huge, rather dramatic way. Without the emotional explosion (usually very well grounded in circumstance and cause), I'd never be able to let go. Though I don't lose friends, I do lose time with family and experiences to share. Maybe it's because of the whole born in the week of the system-builders thing, or...you know...whatever...but for a big portion of my life I've attempted to build a community around myself, one conversation at a time. One little hometown that can grow and change, but will always have at least one door open for tea and cake when someone needs it. ...... ::blink:: .......... No wonder I feel so completely depressed when I'm isolated...or that I can't seem to make a home out of any apartment, even when I really, really want to. Huh. Current Mood: peaceful

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July 20th, 2007

11:48 am - Post-Decision Humdrum I have this problem upon making large decisions. I make it, and I'm excited for one to two months. And then without fail, someone or something changes one small aspect of what the decision entails, and not only do I lose the verve, I get really nervous about it, too. Then, once those nerves build far enough, I drop all of it and cut my losses. It happens all the darn time. Most semesters of college suffered for it. My original selection of going to PA instead of NM did, too. Even my wedding caught it. Sometimes it works out for the better, like when I decided to leave CSU and become a supervisor at the theatre, instead of the other way around. That was one of the best things I've ever done. Without it (and the seasonal depression), I'd never have made some of the best friends I've ever had, including Jeremy. The wedding was sort of halfsies, since I think getting married in November was better timing than January, but it forced me to deal with a crapload of stuff, all at the same time, that I really didn't need on top of a split-second wedding. Some I know were really, really bad, like the first semester it happened at UNM, where I would have had a great deal of cool classes under my belt and felt better about myself and my place in life at the same time. Most, though, end up in that "Who knows?" category. Even the ones I think are bad have aspects of it. Is it a good thing, or a bad thing? Does it improve my future or seriously detract from it? I'd like to say it's my intuition exploding to the foreground after being ignored during the decision-making process, and that even though I'm unaware of it during or after, it's still a good thing. But I don't trust myself enough to do that. It's happening again with moving back to Colorado. I was 100% gung-ho. I was pulling information together and doing things that needed doing even though I absolutely dreaded it. Some of the research worried me - reality jumping in to remind me that I won't get everything I want, no matter how hard I try, because it's based on desire not numbers - but I was still excited. And then my mom woke me up to complain about her husband and his son, and it broke. She made it sound like even though she really wants me there, it'll put a cramp in Bill's life. Rather than trying to help her daughter and fight to help me improve my life (when I'm rarin' and ready to do it ASAP), she was wimping around trying to iron out his (even though in the same breath she complained that he doesn't do any of the life-oriented things she's asked and he's promised). It's one of those dumb little things that reflect on bigger problems to come. I knew living in the house with them would be hard, and it would/will seriously upset me, but I thought I could deal. Now, I'm not so sure. She asked, you see, if I wanted my room or if I would like to take the guest room, instead. She tried to phrase it like the latter would be in my better interest, but didn't succeed. Because if I choose my room, I will be kicked out and forced to sleep in the guest room whenever any of the asshole's friends and relatives show up for a visit. Why? Some ridiculous excuses about the bathroom. And (what I feel is) the real reason: Because the schmuck has taken over the basement. Because he doesn't want the disruption to "his" area. I never had any expectation that she would pick me over him, because that's not how she works. She has never in her entire life chosen to fight for her children in the face of someone else's comfort. I mean, I still for some unknown reason carry the hope that one day it will happen, which means it still hurts, but I don't go in thinking I'm going to get the long straw. But I also don't usually expect to get 100% shafted, either. You know it's a really, really bad feeling, too, because that one thing destroyed everything. AND it's making me seriously contemplate staying, even as my allergies start to make me feel like total crap again. And when the habits Jeremy got rid of during break that make me cranky are starting to show up again. Now I feel like intuition is telling me to stay, when five days ago it was all but shoving me to CO. I no longer want to go. At all. I found myself pondering yesterday whether I could countenance throwing away the $210 in plane tickets and admission fees by staying. I don't have second thoughts. Generally by the time I commit my whole self to something, I'm absolutely sure about it and have a meaty framework of a plan to use in going about it. It's never a niggling little doubt demon that makes me question. It's a behemoth that crashes through my framework and makes me rebuild from the ground up with new information. Usually I commit really fast to the second plan because once the scaffolding falls, I get a new, more appealing perspective. In this case, though, I honestly have no clue what to do. Wherever I go, I have to commit to two years (not the specifics, like what house I live in, but the overall plan). I don't want to do that, but my options demand it. So here I am, stuck. Do I go, try to get my act together, but deal with the home-life from hell and a constant reminder that my mother is an idiot? Or do I stay, muddle through, and deal with constant anxiety, depression, and allergies? Argh. I do so much better with short, challenging deadlines than giant, looming possibilities on the horizon. I'm so not patient when it comes to life, and I really need to work on it. I suppose I should just practice patience, and wait to see if Fate hands me more information closer to the fork in the road. Sigh. I hate waiting... Current Mood: confused

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