The Runaway Muse

Switching

2008-03-12T02:08:00Z

LiveJournal has annoyed me too greatly. For the remainder of my time in Florida (during which I will be posting from the MacBook), I will be using Blogger for my journaling needs. Find me at: HollysLLC

Mega-Dread

2008-03-04T00:56:16Z

Holy. Crap.

I had my first Art Theory class today. The lecture portion was highly informative, and when the assistant took over, lots of interestings. But...we then had lab afterward. I am far too insecure in my own capabilities to be in a class full of such astounding background and perfectionism. We had to create a name block today based on the elements of composition. Basically, our name to sit in front of us on our desks and look like cool versions of us. Boo. After a great deal of casting around, drawing crap in my sketchbook, I finally came across an idea. I figured hey, I'm a writer. I'll use that. So I found some paper to roll up like a scroll for the background. But then it came to adding color and my actual name. I decided to build my name out of words turned sideways and did my best to draw the eye upward for a feeling of inspiration. Never did get around to figuring out color, though, 'cause the paper was beige, my markers ran when applied, and colored pencil just didn't look good. So I spent a crap load of time trying to make my name look good when compiled in words, only to realize that all I had to do was cut out the inside of the black overlay and then write within its parameters. Bah! I spent three hours on the damn thing and didn't finish. So I have to do it as homework. Except when I went to take it out...I realized I forgot my portfolio in the classroom. Oops. So I made Jeremy go get it since he's still there. -__- Not a good day. AND on top of that, I have a homework assignment. It's a sharpee on card stock picture to express the idea of contrast.

This class is going to kill me. I don't think freestyle. I'm not a doodler. You give me a purpose to what I'm doing, and my brain will burst with ideas. Tell me I can do whatever I want, and it melts without structure. ::sniffle:: I SO wish I could quit. I SO would. I SO wish the stupid advisors had checked their damn email and freaking gotten back to me while I could change classes. LAME!

In other news, I think I have a sinus infection. Not the normal sort of sinus infection. An internal infection. One that's settled into the cavity just above and behind my ear. It HURTS. My whole head feels clogged except my facial sinuses, and I'm tired all the freaking time. Oh, and speaking of, Jeremy called the allergist for me while I was in class today, just to get a figure on how much it would cost to stay, or even just to find out what I'm allergic to. But it's a $240 appointment, and $7 per test, up to 68 tests. Worst case scenario just to get tested, $700 without insurance. ::whimper::

Oh, and Fate also continues to kick my ass. If anyone has any ideas about what I might enjoy as a career that I possibly haven't thought of and preferably doesn't require working in an office every day or massive amounts of expensive schooling, please let me know. I'm all out.

Argh 'N Snuffle

2008-02-26T15:42:52Z

The internet continues to lunch on my posts. Very annoyed.

Sitting in Art History right now after taking my final. There were a couple questions on this one I had no clue about, so I doubt I will match my 104 out of 100 on the midterm. Oh well.

Biggest boo, though, is from the post I lost yesterday. I had my meeting with my Financial Aid advisor, and I'm not going to be able to switch to Web until the middle of March...'cause otherwise, my living expenses check will be delayed another month. MEGA BOO. That means I have to take the scary hands-on class next month (urgh. Next week!) after all. Unless I can manage to convince Education to switch the classes around so I don't have to pay $4k for classes I won't need. Month three and four are exactly the same for both programs, so one would think it wouldn't be a tremendous issue. But...it probably will be. So not looking forward to...uh...anything, right now. That really exemplifies the mood of yesterday and today. My allergies are all screwy, my sleep's totally off, my poor husband is about ready to drop dead from overwork and dealing with group members' senioritis, my bank account is at $11, my muse is away at a spa and I can't make myself get excited about writing, my poor husband's grandfather had a near-stroke after breaking a few ribs, and I've gained an inch since moving back to Florida. And the majority of phone calls I get are complaints from someone about how their significant other has too much money, stability, and ambition.

The agony!

So tired. Want to sleep. Instead, must watch video on modern artists, which are not exactly my faves. Hungry, but again...must watch video. We are, however, currently listening to clips from Holy Grail, which helps.

Fate's Antics

2008-02-25T06:47:44Z

I've actually written two very long posts that would have delighted my bored readers. Unfortunately, the internet ate them. I don't have full, real access to the internet at home. I just piggyback an open connection elsewhere in the complex. Sometimes it's beautifully direct, and sometimes it's nearly nonexistent. Anyway, it makes for a scattered surf.

Life is weird. That's generally. MY life, as of this weekend is freakish. Fate has actually shoved itself bodily in my path to slap me back...wherever I'm supposed to be. I've had bizarre coincidences showing up for the last week or so, the sort that make me feel as if I'm dreaming a random selection of things I've thought about during the day shoved into an ordinary situation. My degree program at Full Sail changed the same day I started, and I didn't know it until I was sitting in orientation. (More about that later, perhaps.) At a point where we had exhausted all our financial resources, about ready to tap sources we never want to have to rely on, a check from Jeremy's financial aid showed up that he should have gotten back in December. Yesterday, I received an email from someone who meant a great deal to me nearly ten years ago and from whom I never expected to hear anything ever again. For a while, every time I signed online it was to discover another article or blog post or reply to one of the above that seemed directly pointed at me, what I write, or the lifestyle I was intent on building. It's crazy!

So, here's the current run-down. Jeremy graduates April 11th. I have to talk to Financial Aid tomorrow to see when I get my check, and then I'm going to talk to an advisor to switch me over to Web Design. Because despite waking up this morning with a sadness that doing so would steal me out of corporate branding, logo design, and things I'd really love to learn, it'll give me more of what I want to turn into a career and less of what terrifies me. IF they can change me over in a week, I'll start Beginning Computer Graphics next month, followed by Advanced Computer Graphics. Without the scary 'real art' painting/drawing class, and without being stuck with the class of expert artists I'm with now. Jeremy's going to talk to career development later this week to see about jobs with Universal, Disney, or commercials for after he graduates. And then when I'm done, we're moving to Albuquerque. Again. Probably.

It seems like there was more I was going to say...but I no longer remember what it was. Yawn.

Best Quizzlet EVER!

2008-01-06T17:40:32Z

Your home is a

Philanthropic Muse's Castle

Your kitchen is someplace you never go, because you "have people for that." There's a Chocolatessen, which is rapidly becoming your favorite room of the house. Having one is also becoming a trend among your wealthy neighbors. Your master bedroom has a bedside table with a pad for writing down late-night inspirations. Your study has hardback editions of every classic ever written, plus a special edition of Rich Dad, Poor Dad with the parts you ghost-authored highlighted. One of your garages holds your collection of ferraris, and is measured in acreage.

Your home also includes a gallery of your favorite works -- the originals, of course. Your guests enjoy your home theater with hi-def plasma screen TV, and the thrones you watch it from. Outside is your hedge maze and gardens, meticulously tended by a team of world-class botanists.

Below is a snippet of the blueprints:

Build YOUR Dream House!

Oh, and I'm moving back to Florida in a week...just FYI if anyone still reads this... :T

S.A.D.

2007-12-18T04:46:36Z

Unlike usual, today it stands for Seasonal Affective Disorder instead of Social Anxiety Disorder. I'm two kinds of SAD, isn't that lovely? I can't remember if I mentioned it here or not...seeing as it's been three weeks since my last post, I doubt it. So, last week or the week before, I realized that I've been having an odd relapse of what appeared to be my social anxiety. I had all of these feelings of worthlessness in the eyes of others crop up and I suddenly really didn't want to go to work anymore. (Part of the latter is because I murdered my knee the week before last, and it swelled up at work to the size of a grapefruit, but I didn't tell anyone. So of course, it looked like I was massively slacking off instead of being in considerable pain, and I got a talkin' to.) I found myself saying rather depressing things to people I'm not usually depressed around, and just generally having a really sucky time of it. And then I realized, oh, it's December. In Colorado. I get to work as the sun rises, and go home as it sets. I ingest practically no sunlight. :/ Oops. So obviously I'm suffering from seasonal depression...and as soon as I figured that out, it got better. Once I know the problem I can alter the behavior/thought processes that compound it. Unfortunately, I inherited this SAD from my mother (one from both parents...aww...), and she has it about 50 times worse than I do. Which means I compound hers and she compounds mine. I get quieter, she gets chattier. She drinks more, I retreat further. Which makes her feel worse and try harder, which makes me want her to go away all the more. Which just generally makes the home life ridiculously unpleasant. Add to it the fact that the step brother just moved in for a couple weeks and the mother's husband's job not doing so hot, and life is just f-ing peachy all around.

Really, it's not that bad. I'm just having a bad day, I guess, 'cause I'm sick. Happy to report, however, that my immune system is doing a smashingly better job than usual, and instead of being really sick for a week and a half, I felt like I was coming down with something for four days, got sick for three, and will hopefully be mostly better tomorrow. Rock on! I'm going to thank the Cold-Eeze for helping, and recommend it to anyone who doesn't want to get massively sick. Worked for me!

Went to the museum yesterday to see the Titanic exhibit. It was very nifty...and hugely creepy. For me, anyway. I went with Derek & Suzanne and Mike & Deanna so we could have a grand old theatre pal get together, and I could still see Titanic. Unfortunately, that left me as the fifth wheel. Always the odd one out, the one accidentally left behind. Which worked, at least in Titanic, 'cause I wanted a personal experience anyway. But...yeah. Didn't help the depression much, 'cause it made me miss Jeremy with great oomph.

Also can't get a car, if I didn't mention that earlier. Even if I quit Borders and got a job that doubled my pay, I couldn't get a car. That sucks beyond suck. It was my one solace to staying here, and now I don't have it. So now I'm back to my waffling days of not knowing where I want to be or what I want to be doing with my time. I was gung-ho about going to Metro for a semester this spring, went through the process of getting it all figured out and my holds removed. And now...nothin'. Yesterday I desperately wanted to go back to New Mexico to get an architecture degree from UNM. And today I want to go to Full Sail to be a web designer. Argh! I want to be with Jeremy but I don't want to leave my friends. I want to get the hell out of this house, but I can't pay for my own place and I'd be smack in the middle of allergy season if I went back to Florida. I'm stuck. Again. And desperately wishing a great Cosmic Teacher or whatever would knock on the door and lead me down the path to becoming what I'm going to be good at. Life is so much easier in books. -__-

At least the marital side of things has quieted down. I'm not constantly worried about whether I should walk or whether I should stay. For which I am incredibly thankful and much relieved. I still can't make hard plans for the future, but at least I have some wiggle room and breathing space.

It's extra good, too, because work is nuts. We get in three or four pallets of books (that's 50+ boxes per pallet) every weekday, and clear out maybe one and a half a day. If we're lucky. And the rest of our time is spent on the floor, helping customers, answering the phone, or working register. I polled my fellow team members to see if they'd be willing to come in early again for a week so we can try to get caught up (and not have to work with customers as long every shift), but they basically said they'd rather quit. Dandy. Jeremy said they went to overnights when he was there two or three weeks before Christmas because they'd have been too backed up otherwise, but I doubt the team would be up for that, either.

Gah. It's no wonder I slept for 14 hours today...

Floridian Days

2007-11-27T01:19:12Z

Erg. I keep vacillating on whether I want to move back to Florida or not. My allergies haven't attacked me yet, so I've been having relatively good days. Except for those when I'm out in the humidity and sun for several hours, and then I'm ready to fall asleep wherever. Dunno if it's because I get dehydrated, if it's allergies, if I'm just stressed...or...what. Very annoying, though. On those days, I don't want to come back. And then we drive by Jeremy's school, and all of a sudden, this urge to attend strikes me and I don't care how I feel. Sigh. Speaking of which, Jeremy made an observation a couple days ago that should have been about as obvious as a pumpkin in a field of string beans and yet somehow always eluded me. Somehow. Pish. I know why it eluded me...I'm my mother's daughter and always blame stuff on my flaws and lacking in whatever area best suits at the time. I always figured I was a slacker who can't commit to anything in my life (minus relationships. I have no problem committing 100% to people in any sort of relationship...), and that's why I've never finished school. I've been whining and squirming for the last six months trying to figure out what I want to do as a day career, which basically told myself that I had no friggin' clue because I'm just not driven like other people are and like I should be. Jeremy made a comment that blew that out of the water.

It's not that I'm not driven. It's not that I can't commit to anything. It's that I don't know what to commit to first. I have a dozen things I want to do, that I'm not just interested enough in to make a career out of, but that I actually actively want to participate in. All of them. I'm like the ten year old who wants to be a doctor, an actress, a zookeeper, a mommy, and an astronaut, and believes this should be possible in one lifetime. Except, I have this wacky idea from somewhere that I have to pick one job and stick with it until I die or retire. Jeremy, whose dad went from job to job to make ends meet, has no such conception. In his world, you don't go to school...you just work until you find something that pays well enough and that you enjoy well enough, and you do it until it goes away or you find something even better. Weird. Anyway, it's been very frustrating for me, trying to reconcile wanting to go into six fields simultaneously, but having to choose one for the rest of my life. Thankfully, Jeremy helped break the wall down there. So now I just have to figure out which one I want to do first. Also thankfully, writers can be blissfully eclectic, and no one will think less of them for it. :D

Jeremy starts the first of his last four or five classes tomorrow. They all revolve around the final production, so it's really the beginning of the end. I'm so proud of him. :) And excited for him! But at the same time, sad I won't be here to see any of it. I really wish I'd been here to at least walk onto the set of their Spartan short, 'cause it looked cool in the pics. Oh well.

I get to buy a car soon. Hurray! I really miss having a place of mine own, but it'll have to wait another six months or so. Boo. We were intending to go car shopping today, just to take a gander at what's out there, but Jeremy spent half an hour on the phone with the insurance agent, and I just didn't want to look at cars when ours is so suddenly pathetic. It was bad before, and then Jeremy got rear-ended at a stoplight last night, and now it's extra sad. The bumper's all shriveled, and the trunk is slightly warped. Not so bad, except the trunk is only blocked from the rest of the car by the back seats...which means all the obnoxious sounds outside the car (like the squealing brakes and the hard idle and...do I need to go on?) are now inside the car, too. It also totally broke the driver's seat, because the force of the collision plus Jeremy's weight just snapped the sucker when he slammed backward. It also gave him whiplash, which is the worst of it. :( Not horrible, but enough to scare me and make him tremendously uncomfortable. I read something today that said, like lungs, it takes the neck three months to fully heal itself. O_o Yikes! He is otherwise okay, which we're very, very, very, very thankful for. And the woman's insurance is paying for all repairs, and ours is covering a rental for however long it takes to fix it. So that's good. I wish we could get two new cars, but...ouchie. This one just has to last another four or five months, and then we can chuck it. :T

Anyway, that's the news here. Still ecstatic that I didn't have to work on Black Friday, and not really looking forward to going back post-BF, but ah well. I like my job, even if it's scary. :) Ooh! And I finally get to have all those doctor's visits I should have been having yearly, but haven't. Like getting my eyes checked. And having my teeth looked at. Soooo happy about that! And now I have to go find Jeremy a doctor, just in case the pain gets worse so I don't have to worry about him from Colorado with no way to help. :(

What was that whizzing by my head?

2007-11-18T07:23:12Z

Oh. Time. Right.

I keep meaning to do things...and then forgetting, and they just get away from me. Like posting. I generally start falling asleep at the computer whenever I try to post, so I don't do it very often (obviously). Work is going well. Still exhausting, still fun. Will probably change to scary and draining and frickin' exhausting next week, but I won't know until the end of the month. I'm goin' to Florida to visit the husband-person for our anniversary-thing. :) My boss was brilliantly wonderful in allowing me to have Thanksgiving week off in addition to part of the following week. She rocks!

And now I need to go transfer laundry into the drier so I can go to bed and get some five hours of sleep before I leave for the airport. (Silly me, seeing a movie instead of packing...)

Insomnia Film Festival

2007-10-21T21:53:28Z

Last weekend or the weekend before, Jeremy and his school group took on the Insomnia Film Festival. They were challenged to write, set up, film and edit a 3-minute short, all in 24 hours. I have to say, both as a proud wifey and a writer, they did a remarkably dandy job. :D Especially when one considers they were actually there from 9am on a Saturday to 9am on Sunday. Go them!!

You can view here: Big Night Out.

You can also vote that it is an excellent production and inch them closer to winning new computers, complete with the latest film software (which is all blooming expensive, and yet necessary for production). You have to sign up for an apple id, and then register to be able to vote. To do so, you need the team leader's name (Peter Pechacek) and the school name (Full Sail Real World Education), and that they're located in FL. Then you can also vote on the other 3000+ projects submitted this year, too. :)

Go Paper Hat Society!

(At one point, the hubby actually has a walk-on role along with Jimmy Boom. See if you can spot him!)

Woohoo!

2007-10-13T23:31:03Z

I got paid yesterday! :D Yay for money!!

Day before yesterday, I went through an entire pallet of boxes by myself. And I did it again today, too! Go me! Although...I think they're sort of annoyed that I haven't answered the calls for backup at the register. <.< I'm afraid of reg. It moves so faaast. And I feel so duuuumb. Boo. I also don't answer the phone, 'cause I'm afraid of not being able to help the people on the other end. Or of cutting them off. I have a work-related phone phobia due to my day as the Walmart phone rep. That sucked sooooooo much, and I never want to do it again! >_< Not that Borders is so bad...but...yeah. Still have phone phobia. Bleh. But yay me for sorting up a storm! I've also lost three or four pounds in the last week or so, and I can totally tell. Dunno if it's visible to others, but my tummy is less there. Go ME! Yay for Borders. (I'm a little braindead right now; I'm sure it's obvious.)

My back hurts. I'm sure more hurts right now, too, but my back is the most obvious. Eesh.

Jeremy and I are on a sort of talking hiatus right now. Not because we had a fight or anything! We just decided it would be a v. v. good thing for him to prove to himself that he can survive without me, and to have a chance to make his own decisions and changes and actions without my telling him to first. It might help boost his confidence. And I need to learn how to be selfish...just a little. And have the opportunity not to worry about his emotional state of being all the time so that I can learn to take care of me. We're on day...uh...four of fourteen. Ten more days to go! That sounds scary...and yet...today and yesterday weren't so bad. But that could be because work still wears me out too much to notice. :P I need to write him a letter, since we're not allowed to email, either. Oh! And I need to write his script for 35mm. Eeeee. I keep forgetting about that. I intended to finish up the first chapter of Gryphon's Overture beforehand, and I've been too tired after work. Gotta do that over the next two days, since I have them off.

Except tomorrow I'm hanging out with Ian...either watching him play kickball (which cracks me up...the thought of grown men playing kickball on a league. ::snicker:: ) or going to a movie. I have to charge my phone before I can call, 'cause I don't have his local number and the house phone doesn't have long distance. And then on Monday I get to meet Erin's two littlest boys and hang out with her for a while. I'm so excited!

OH!! And I figured out who the girl is at work that I couldn't remember where I knew her from. I worked with her at the theatre. I actually tagged along once when she went bowling with mutual friends. Hehehe. The difference seven years makes! It's extra amusing, because I'm pretty sure she's the reason Ian took so long to sort of go out with me. The butthead. Him, not her. I don't think she was at all interested. But the irony is overwhelming. Hee hee hee. She's just as spacey now as she was then, though also as nice and outgoing. It's funny, though. :)

And now I have to strangle Andrew and Nathaniel until they decide what I'm feeding them for dinner before we go see a mooooovie.

Zombie Holly!

2007-10-03T13:34:26Z

Goodness gracious. We had an overnight tonight, which was...actually lovely, in and of itself. We had stuff to do all the time and didn't have to worry about customer interruptions or answering the stupid phone. Which meant I didn't have to worry about not asking people if they needed help and not answering the phone. :/ I need to get better at that, but I don't feel comfortable enough with the store itself for most things. I got three customer requests for help on Monday, and could only help one of them by myself. -__- I'm starting to feel dumber and more incompetent as shifts go by. It sucks. I'm slow, and I hate it. I mean, I don't really have a choice. My muscular ability is low low low, and I still don't know where everything is (Jeremy made the somewhat obnoxious comment in trying to help me feel better that he eventually got to the point where he could almost shelve, alphabetically in most sections, with his eyes closed. Butthead.). Most of my coworkers are female, which is tricky, since I haven't had to deal with women...um...at all, really. I miss male supervision. They're a lot more open about stuff without waiting for questions. Sometimes that makes them look like dicks, but I'd be okay with that. I just don't want to feel dumb and lame all the time. :/

Jeremy has Post Production and Communications this month, the first on Christening, the short they did a few weeks ago in class, and the second is pretty much a class on How To Network Like a Pro. I still don't know what I want to do or where I want to go as far as education is concerned. But! I figured out how to revamp the beginning of my book so I can resub it to the editor assistant before she totally forgets what it was. That's a big plus. And I'm sure I'm going to start losing inches and pounds here before all too long, so I should be content.

Except I feel stupid and inept...

...And really darn tired. So I think I will go shower and take myself away to beddy-bye. Nigh-night!

So. Tired.

2007-09-29T00:58:52Z

Zzzzzzzzzz. Huh? Oh, right. Posting.

It's only 6pm, and I'm ready to go to bed. Granted, I have to be up in just under 12 hours, so it's not as bad as it could be. I mean, it's not like I've only been up for 4 hours now. :) I was really concerned for myself last night because I keep...well, my brain has been unable to hold thoughts for very long, and it's totally sluggish. I played Monopoly with Beth and my dad last night, and I couldn't focus. And I was silly, which means I was obviously more tired than I realized at the time. I'm only silly when that post-exhausted adrenaline rush is pumping through my system. So I was concerned, worried there was something wrong with my brain. Until Jeremy reminded me that I've been running on 3 - 5 hours of sleep every day this week, then spending eight hours moving, hauling, shoving and *working.* AND I still eat the same amount I did before, so I think my body is plowing through it really fast, which doesn't help. I've been reminded what hungry means, which is nice. Now if my stomach could coordinate with my brain and help it figure out how to tell me, in an obvious and proper manner, when I'm tired, I'd be set.

Anyway, obviously I have a job. :) Yaaaaay! I'm working on the inventory team at Borders, and I enjoy it mightily. There are communications breakdowns occasionally, and sometimes when I ask a question, somebody else fixes the problem without telling me why or how to do it myself. That's somewhat annoying. But the people are sooo nice! And it's books! And it's active! And did I mention books? It's only $8/hr, but that's eight bucks more than I was making, and it's enough to get me a car...eventually. It has full insurance after a month, which is AWESOME, and one of the major reasons I fought to work there. Hopefully the plan hasn't changed in the year since we were enrolled. :T I did a file audit for Amanda (she's in HR) last week over three days, and I got $14/hr. It hurt knowing I made enough money in three days to buy a Wii without flinching. :( But I woke up the second day and really didn't want to go back...which is probably the biggest indicator to myself that I didn't like it, despite the money (I'm kind of dumb that way, since I've been conditioned to try hard and ignore my own feelings until they overwhelm me and force me to give up). It's been a week, and I haven't felt a hint of that hesitation. (Oops...I just felt in my pocket, and I brought a box cutter home with me...) Every job I've had where I quit relatively quickly, that feeling was there. But really, despite the fact that I can barely move right now without a great deal of pain from massively sore muscles, I love my job. It's exactly what I needed. :D I NEED the physical exertion, and not just because it'll help me lose weight. It's perfect for writing, in fact. It's social enough that the alone time with the people in my head will be welcomed, but not so much so as to wear me out internally. There may be higher politics, but I don't have to give a darn about them, 'cause I have no responsibilities beyond my job description. That is SUCH a relief. Our marketing manager is a gay Stanley Tucci, and adorably peppy (and freaking nice). The GM is lovely, and I actually managed to chat openly with her during my interview. My inventory manager is, I think, a lesbian (can't be sure, as I can spot a gay man at twenty paces, but generally have to be a woman is before I can see the signs...but...yeah...still pretty sure), but she's funny if a bit gruff and demanding, and she's nice and supportive. I have acquaintances among the general populace that could easily become friends - though the girl who's Cameron's age that I really liked works in the cafe, which means I'll rarely see her. I have stuff in common with these people, which is weird. I went to high school with one of them, though she didn't remember me and for the life of me, I can't remember what class or friend we had in common. But we were in the same graduating class, I think. Oh, I was talking about why it's good for writing. Right. I haven't been writing much in the last several (many) months because sitting too long (which can be only half an hour) makes me feel crappy. My head fills up, I get dizzy, and my sinuses have a cow. It's more than unpleasant. But the exercise provided with the job should help counteract that effect. AND Borders recently started an employee-publishing program. They review manuscripts, buy those they think are up to snuff, publish them and give them all the support Borders marketing can provide, which is a massive amount. I don't know the contractual details, though, so I don't know how good it is, but it's still there!

Anyway, my three days at Amanda's office were enough to validate my feeling that I wouldn't like an office job. I hated the environment, despite it being a sunny, lovely place. The corporate politics were stupid, the office relations were just plain scary, and the stress just dripped off of practically everybody there. I would have a nervous breakdown in an office job after a couple of months. The money just isn't worth it. And really, I don't want that much money right now. That sounds dumb, I'm sure, but we would end up spending it on stuff we don't need, forget how to manage our money, and then be screwed once Jeremy graduates. And in the end, we wouldn't have any more saved than we will on $8. Because at $14, I could get my own apartment as well as a car, and I'd do it. Having been without money for so long, I'm sure I'd have shopping sprees simply so if we ran out, I'd have what I need for another several years. And I don't want that. Money isn't everything. Right now, I'd rather have less stress and a job that managed both my weight and my old stress build-up than a job that paid well enough to pay off our credit cards. Maybe that's irresponsible of me, but I've spent long enough hating my life and being miserable. I'd much rather be poor and content than better off financially and crazy.

In other news, Jeremy starts filming Toosutaa tomorrow. That'll be fun, I hope. Yesterday was his birthday, and he spent half of it dealing with guys pushing 30 who couldn't be bothered to pay attention or communicate. Poor thing. Life at the house has stabilized, now my mother and I have had a massive fight and emerged from the other side with a better understanding of things. She actually told me it wasn't my job to worry about her, and to stop doing it...which...made an amazingly enormous difference.

And now I'm sure my pizza is cold, so I should go eat it before it goes away.

Career Test

2007-09-16T20:16:47Z

I have a different version of this on my writing journal, in meme format. This is my final - post-question-change and making more sense - answer set. The bolded ones are those that match best to my skill set.

1. Website Designer
2. Technical Writer
3. Makeup Artist
4. Desktop Publisher
5. GIS Specialist
6. Archivist
7. Political Aide
8. Video Game Developer
9. Epidemiologist
10. Fisher
11. Artist
12. Anthropologist
13. Special Effects Technician
14. Picture Framer
15. Gardener
16. Furniture Finisher
17. Critic
18. Criminologist
19. Multimedia Developer
20. Historian
21. Fruit and Vegetable Grower
22. Potter
23. Dancer
24. Taxidermist
25. Forestry Technician
26. Webmaster
27. Sport Psychology Consultant
28. Tailor / Dressmaker
29. Psychologist
30. Web Developer
31. Gerontologist
32. Model Maker
33. Business Systems Analyst
34. Home Inspector
35. Professional Athlete
36. Database Developer
37. Coast Guard
38. Archaeologist
39. Ship's Crew
40. Writer

Bummer Day

2007-09-12T05:24:29Z

Actually, that is a poor descriptor. And mine wasn't really as massively suckitudinous as other peoples'. In fact, compared to some, it was beautiful.

I spent time in the sun at a botanic garden in Littleton with Suzanne. It was exactly what I needed to wear me out. :) I've been having a super sucky time sleeping, so that's a wonderful thing. Emotionally, though, the last few days have been doozies. I'm not gonna go into it, 'cause it would sound/feel petty and whiny in the face of other things. I will say, however, that I feel really, really bad about my convo with Jen today. I really need to learn how to shut up when I know I should. I never used to have that problem! I've been so starved for interaction in Florida that I take advantage of any new, trustworthy and respectable outlet. Bah on me! She didn't need more to think about. I dunno...I think some part of my brain thought if she had something she could actually vent about and/or discuss, that maybe she'd feel a little better. But I think what I did was just dump on her, and I totally didn't want to do that. Sorry Jen. :( :(

On another note, I hauled my mostly intelligible self to Borders tonight, and actually got to talk to someone with access to applications. Apparently, I failed the entrance exam. :P!!! It's all those dumb, pointless, vague questions at the end of the application. If a person doesn't score a certain number, they aren't allowed to call them. At all. She was really nice about it, though. She told me to fill it out again, keeping in mind it scores big on teamwork and customer interaction, and call her later this week. Can someone explain to me the purpose of a test to determine eligibility that's so unimportant, the hiring manager will tell a person how to do better? I'm glad she was willing to, I just think the questions are idiotic. Like, "You don't fake being polite." If I say no, am I saying that I'm not polite when I don't want to be, or that I'm always genuinely polite? How can it possibly score for a difference in reader interpretation?? Stupid! But the manager was very nice and personable, and the three other people I've talked to there have been the same. That is why I like Borders. Barnes and Noble is full of arrogant, cold snits who are the retail equivalent of professorial snobs. You may catch a Border employee on a bad day, but I don't know if in the last few years, I've ever run into a B&N floor employee on a good one. :P Lame, lame, lame. But, I've filled out a new application, pretending to be an excellent saleswoman and hyper-people person with grand leadership skills. Go me. That's the other part I don't get. It tells you to move quickly, to answer according to preference and feelings, as opposed to what one CAN be. I don't like small talk, but that doesn't mean I won't pretend to happily engage in it with customers. I may not like leading so much, but once accustomed to the post I do a smashing enough job at it.

Bad Poster

2007-09-08T08:34:18Z

It's been two weeks since I've updated. Oops! Life got kinda busy...no, not busy. Full. Yes. That's it. It got full.

Had Derek and Suzanne and Mike over a couple days before my birthday. That was fun. :) Hadn't seen Mike since...uh...my wedding day. Much too long. He's a funny guy, and I'd forgotten quite how much happier just having him around makes me. I don't have enough positive people around me. Anyway, Derek brought Guitar Hero 2 over, and we had fun playing that (though Derek thrashed us all quite soundly).

Had the male family persons over to have cake on my birthday, which would have been more fun had I mastered the art of making it impossible to discuss politics. Alas, I have not. I'm beginning to wonder if I can be around Charlie for very long without Jen. The last couple of times I've seen him, I got flashbacks to high school. He has sooooo much intensity, and I don't know if it gets worse when he's happy, or when he's stressed. He makes me feel bad frequently, and I know he doesn't mean to do it - he just doesn't see the way some of his comments will make other people feel. I'd really, really like to be good friends with my brother, but...er...I guess our interests and communication styles are a little too different. Or maybe he's just really stressed and can't help making everything negative. I don't know. But it makes me sad. :( I feel really bad that I haven't hung out with Jen since I've been back, too. But without a car, I don't want to call her up and say, "Hi, Jen - would you come pick me up and go through that whole awkward family-ish thing that'll crop up if you don't spend half an hour being weirded out by my mom?" It's not so spiffy an excuse, but she's gobs of busy/stressed without extra help.

I've been slacking in the hanging out with people department overall, actually. I had the lovely, lovely week when it was just me and Andy in the house (and occasionally, annoyingly the step-brother), and spent most of my time with him. Poor Andy. He's sooooooo lonely! There have been several times when I've been futzing around on the computer or watching tv, and turned around to find him doing something quietly behind me, just to be in the same room. In fact, I caught a nasty cold earlier this week, and actually had to physically kick him out of my room so I could rest because he just doesn't want to be alone. And I totally don't blame him! The parental-type units are crazy. (For example, my mom woke me up at one today - which is usually about the time I've been getting up, except she knows the last three nights I haven't gone to bed until after she got up to take Andy to school - to see if I wanted to run errands with her. At the groggy, sniffly sight of me, she frowned and asked me if my allergies were bothering me. I blinked at her. She carried on with something and I interjected, "It's not my allergies, I'm sick." She looked at me in confusion and asked if I needed some medicine from the store. This is after TWO DAYS of constant nose-blowing, moaning about the kitchen, and general grogginess, as well as multiple conversations about my being sick.) So I spent that week with him, this week getting and being sick, and the time before that acclimating to the home surroundings again.

Next week doesn't promise to be fun, either. My mom is driving Eric to California tomorrow so he can see his step-dad before he dies. Is very, very sad. And means Andy and I will be home with the mother's husband until Wednesday without interference. Ew. Every now and again, he proves to be a nice sort of guy...it by no means cancels out his usual dickishness, but it makes me wonder what level of alcohol is enough, but not too much. Sigh. They're both so constantly negative. He's got his one-up-manship and "I'm Cool" stories, and she's got her...well...she's her. The house was just starting to cleanse itself of the bad energy when they came home, and then it was instantly full up again with unhappiness. Blah. How much of a down payment does one need when purchasing a car to preclude a massive monthly payment? :P

Hmmmm...have had some heavy convos with Jeremy regarding...things. Poor thing is understandably depressed without me. I'm sure it doesn't help that half the time we talk, it's me complaining about the parental-type people. I'm embarking on a mission to alter the way in which I express myself to fix that. I despise that I spend a good portion of my discussions with other people complaining about how dumb certain people are, and how much my life sucks. There's only so much purging one can do before it becomes unhealthy. And annoying to others. :T

That is my new goal: To become a happy Holly, and a positive person that others enjoy being around. It'll be tricky, since the energy in the house seeps under the skin to make a person decidedly UNhappy, but I'm resolute. My environment will not drag me down with it! :D

Emotional Purge

2007-08-19T03:03:39Z

Ooooookay. I've been putting off posting because I just haven't had my head together enough to form anything coherent pretty much the entire time I've been here. It's been a complete roller coaster. There are okay days and there are bad days. And then there are really bad days. Thankfully haven't had too many of the latter (where's some wood to knock on?). After two+ weeks, though, I think I'm finally starting to come back to the world at large.

People keep asking why I've come back. My automatic response is so that my allergies don't make me miserable 24/7. People don't generally understand that option, as they figure "allergies" to be the usual sneezy bit. This leads to pressure to come up with a better answer, but frankly, anything more than that is Too Much Information To Share. I don't like sharing intimate, deeply personal stuff with most people. Some people (aka My Mother) have no problem doing it, but I just can't. I can, however, give a slightly more thorough (but really no more all-encompassing) response to my LJ-land. The over-arching reason I'm back is because my life sucks. It has threads to pretty much every single aspect of said existence, and the vast majority of them couldn't be fixed in Florida. Allergies are probably #2 on the list. #1 is a complete lack of internal structure that is at least 80% due to family relationships. A big part of coming back is to reacquaint myself with my family, and come to terms with the HUGE emotional problems therein that have gone desperately ignored since I got married.

I've reached a point where I can admit without flinching that I am an utter emotional basketcase. I need to fix that before I can be happy and enjoy life again. I didn't even realize how bad it was until I got here. I had a day where I literally couldn't stop crying. It was like I'd broken off the faucet handle and emotions were gushing all over the room. Unpleasant (to say the least), and yet deliciously purging. Two days later, I read a random article about anxious people and relationships, and it was like some life-long mental block dissolved. It was so simple, so obvious, it seemed like I should have grasped it a long, long time ago. Apparently I needed to read it, though, because I actually kept Jeremy awake for 4 hours when he should have been sleeping to discuss it. Basically, the article said that adults with anxiety in regards to relating to others (who worry large amounts about decisions and choices and the actions/reactions of friends/romantic partners) usually are found to have been largely without an adult emotional support system as children. Their parents either ignored or failed to validate their fears and assist in fixing their problems, growing feelings of inconsequence and mistrust. When they reach adulthood, they unconsciously believe, even as they seek love and support, that their partners and friends are going to fail to love and support them like their parents did. They then unconsciously make decisions that sabotage their relationships and push other people away so they don't have the opportunity to fail and be proven inconsequential again.

I do this. My social anxiety is based on it. I'm constantly afraid I'm not going to measure up as a *person.* That I will fail to be important enough, or funny enough, or caring enough, or fun enough, or smart enough or witty enough or pretty enough or talkative enough or a million other things that I might not be. It happens every single time I meet a new person. Every time I see someone I haven't seen in a while. I think it makes me try both too hard and not hard enough. Not once in my entire memory can I find a time when my mother made me feel like my emotions mattered. At every big moment of change or real concern in my life - every time I reached out for help - she either laughed at me or told me life was hard and to basically buck up. I think I've probably mentioned that before, because I could see and feel the cause, but I don't believe I've ever recognized just how devious and deep the effect.

I need to air this out loud where other people can read it. I've been too removed and apart my whole life, and I think it's time I actually reach out and let people choose for themselves whether I'm worth it or not. I think that might be the first step in healing it. It's possible that everyone around me has grasped the fact while I deny, deny, deny. If so, here it is. My acceptance of the problem.

I am not me. I am an expectation. My entire life - beyond what I've ever been able to admit, including all moments up until now - I have let other people decide who I am. I have happily allowed them to set boundaries on my personality, my likes, dislikes, talents and dreams. Parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings, friends, rivals - all of them. If they told me I was or wasn't something, I might squirm in disagreement for a couple seconds but in the end, I accepted it. That's what they wanted me to be, so that's what I was. My mother always said I was so wonderful at reading, I had to grow up to go into English. And I did. And I hated it. I hated almost every English class I took in high school. But I was an English major at heart - everyone said so - so that's what I went into in college. I hated it even more, and failed my classes to prove it. I was really interested in archaeology, so I decided to try that. My mother found it so much fun, she told me I *had* to go into it because I would be great at it. She started telling people about how I was doing something so awesome...but she wasn't really saying "I'm proud of her," because of her own issues she was saying, "Think better of me because I made her." It made it hers instead of mine. For a long time I've blamed my deep-seated need to do something uniquely MINE on Charlie. Not directly - it wasn't his fault. But I always figured I gave stuff up if other people liked it because I was sort of forced to give up what he liked so it could be his...because the parents had some stupid idea that he needed less competition and more understanding. He reinforced it, certainly, because eventually he started yelling at me for stealing what was his, but now I don't think it was his fault. I WAS stealing what was his because I had no clue what to do for myself. They were always so proud of everything he did (not that they shouldn't have been; even when he was a total and complete jerk of an older brother, I still sort of idolized him), and always downplayed everything I did. It's no wonder I aped him. Really, though, I don't think it started with him. I think it started because my mother had to be involved in everything I did. She reaped the glory for most of what I did, and then reinforced it with "this is who you are; isn't it wonderful?" And the even sadder thing - I felt it was my duty to give it to her. I think, in trying to gain her approval, her validation of my self, I gave her everything she might want from me. I have spent my life trying to be a good person for her, and she still believes Cameron is as 'good' or better-behaved a kid as the rest of us. Looking back, I think I can trace everything I liked to a moment of sacrifice for her (which sounds very Virgo-martyr of me...but I think it's true). Whenever something seemed to be getting too hard for her, or the instant I might have heard her complain, I weaseled my way out of it. Voice and acting lessons and soccer were too far away. Piano was too frustrating because we never practiced and it was too draining for her to make us. I felt incredibly guilty for giving it up, because I was going to be "so wonderful" at it, that obviously I was only proving to outsiders how lame a kid I was, but in the long run it might make her feel better. I think I was trying to give her what I wanted in return. And every time I start to get to know someone, I do the same thing for them.

And thus, I am shy, quiet, studious, unwilling to try new things, responsible, intelligent, English-oriented, homey, motherly, overly cautious, stubborn, bad at art, orderly, only okay at math, difficult, withdrawn, pudgy, office-oriented, non-athletic, "too good," and a whole smattering of other things because that is what I was told I was. My sense of self is what I'm supposed to be. I have a few characteristics that form the core of who I really am, those I refused to give up because I liked them, but I only know what they are because I had part of one year when I got a chance to just be me. When I worked at the theatre, I was a different person because there weren't any boundaries or expectations except those I gave myself. It was about being judged by how hard I worked, not how I related. I made some rather large mistakes in judging people because I wasn't paying the best attention, but I was actually starting to become *me.* I was fun, open if not exactly chatty or outgoing, take-charge, dependable, amusing, attractive, and - if somewhat reluctantly - a leader. I took chances. I went out on limbs. I pushed myself way, way outside my comfort zone. My anxiety, though still present, was fading. And then I left, and it all started going away. When my aunt and grandfather died, there was a HUGE emotional burden to take up. Since none of the adults stepped in, I sort of sighed and shouldered on the old role again.

So here I am, someone I don't know and don't particularly like, with no freakin' clue what I enjoy doing or what I want out of life. I don't know how to go about finding out, really (like, how does one discover, halfway through one's bachelor's degree without a whole lot - okay, any, really - of money to spare, what one would like to major in?). But it really is freeing, knowing I have a whole me to figure out and create however I so choose.

There are a few things I know. I need to dance, plain and simple, in whatever capacity. I really do despise talking on the phone. I would kill myself if I had to work in an office, surrounded by gabby women. I am a writer, on my own terms and of my own accord, but I really do hate English. I am highly creative, in the literal sense - I like creating things, and like working with my hands. And I am worth every cent my parents ever spent on me (still working on accepting that I'm more important than those uncountable cents, but definitely worth them).

There we have it. That's what I've done with my two+ weeks in Colorado. I've stepped determinedly onto the road to discover who the hell I am and given up supporting my mother in any way. I spent Thursday night in an anxiety attack followed by a brief spell of puking, but who knows - maybe that was a physical manifestation of this emotional purge. Or maybe I just ate something my stomach didn't appreciate. :) Had a nice day today, too, when the family got together to celebrate our 4 August birthdays (except for the part where Charlie got mad at me - but how was I supposed to know he was serious, when he frequently pretends to want a card when it's practically in your hand already?). Only half a lecture on getting a job (which my dad handily turned into a joke), nothing about leaving my poor husband all alone and thereby obviously ruining my marriage, and only a vague sense that people didn't know what to do with me anymore. I really AM out of practice in talking, though...I did notice that. My verbal brain has practically turned off, because talking to Jeremy is so familiar and intimate that it's like talking to myself. It doesn't really count as a conversation, as far as my brain is concerned. :P

Movies!

2007-08-08T04:39:19Z

Okay, so I'm in CO, at the mother's house. It's...ermph. Don't have the energy to comment at the moment. Instead, a list of movies I have and haven't seen (dunno who came up with it, but here it is).

(x) Rocky Horror Picture Show
(x) Grease
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest
(x) Boondock Saints
(x) Fight Club
(x) Starsky and Hutch
(x) Neverending Story
(x) Blazing Saddles
( ) Airplane

Total: 9/ 10 total so far: 9

(x) The Princess Bride
( ) Anchor Man
(x) Napoleon Dynamite
(x) Labyrinth
( ) Saw
( ) Saw II
( ) White Noise
(x) White Oleander
() Anger Management
(x) 50 First Dates
(x) The Princess Diaries
(x) The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement

Total: 7/ 12 total so far: 16

( ) Scream
( ) Scream 2
( ) Scream 3
( ) Scary Movie
(x) Scary Movie 2
( ) Scary Movie 3
( ) Scary Movie 4
(x) American Pie
( ) American Pie 2
( ) American Wedding
( ) American Pie Band Camp

Total: 2/11 total so far: 18

(x) Harry Potter 1
(x) Harry Potter 2
(x) Harry Potter 3
(x) Harry Potter 4
(x) Resident Evil 1
(x) Resident Evil 2
(x) The Wedding Singer
(x) Little Black Book
(x) The Village
(x) Lilo & Stitch

Total: 10/ 10 total so far: 28

(x) Finding Nemo
(x) Finding Neverland
(x) Signs
(x) The Grinch
( ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre
( ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
( ) White Chicks
(x) Butterfly Effect
( ) 13 Going on 30
(x) I, Robot
(x) Robots

Total: 7/11 total so far: 35

( ) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
( ) Universal Soldier
(x) Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events
( ) Along Came Polly
(x) Deep Impact
( ) KingPin
(x) Never Been Kissed
(x) Meet The Parents
( ) Meet the Fockers
( ) Eight Crazy Nights
( ) Joe Dirt
(x) KING KONG

Total: 5/ 12 total so far: 40

( ) A Cinderella Story (The one with Hilary Duff)
(x) The Terminal
( ) The Lizzie McGuire Movie
( ) Passport to Paris
(x) Dumb & Dumber
( ) Dumber & Dumberer
( ) Final Destination
( ) Final Destination 2
( ) Final Destination 3
( ) Halloween
(x) The Ring
( ) The Ring 2
( ) Surviving X-MAS
(x) Flubber

Total: 4/ 14 total so far: 44

( ) Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
(x) Practical Magic
(x) Chicago
(x) Ghost Ship
( ) From Hell
(x) Hellboy
( ) Secret Window
( ) I Am Sam
(x) The Whole Nine Yards
( ) The Whole Ten Yards

Total: 5/ 10 total so far: 49

(x) The Day After Tomorrow
(x) Child's Play
( ) Seed of Chucky
( ) Bride of Chucky
(x) Ten Things I Hate About You
(x) Just Married
() Gothika
( ) Nightmare on Elm Street
(x) Sixteen Candles
(x) Remember the Titans
(x) Coach Carter
( ) The Grudge
( ) The Grudge 2
(x) The Mask
( ) Son Of The Mask

Total: 8/ 15 total so far: 57

(x) Bad Boys
(x) Bad Boys 2
( ) Joy Ride
( ) Lucky Number Eleven
(x) Ocean's Eleven
(x) Ocean's Twelve
( ) Bourne Identity
( ) Bourne Supremacy
( ) Lone Star
(x) Bedazzled
(x) Predator I
( ) Predator II
( ) The Fog
(x) Ice Age
(x) Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
( ) Curious George

Total: 8/ 16 total so far: 65

(x) Independence Day
( ) Cujo
( ) A Bronx Tale
( ) Darkness Falls
( ) Christine
(x) ET
( ) Children of the Corn
( ) My Boss's Daughter
(x) Maid in Manhattan
(x) War of the Worlds
(x) Rush Hour
(x) Rush Hour 2

Total: 6/ 12 total so far: 71

( ) Best Bet
(x) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
(x) She's All That
(x) Calendar Girls
( ) Sideways
(x) Mars Attacks
(x) Event Horizon
(x) Ever After (The one with Drew Barrymore)
(x) Wizard of Oz
(x) Forrest Gump
( ) Big Trouble in Little China
(x) The Terminator
( ) The Terminator 2
( ) The Terminator 3

Total: 9/ 14 total so far: 80

(x) X-Men
(x) X-2
(x) X-3
(x) Spider-Man
(x) Spider-Man 2
(x) Sky High
( ) Jeepers Creepers
( ) Jeepers Creepers 2
(x) Catch Me If You Can
(x) The Little Mermaid
(x) Freaky Friday
(x) Reign of Fire
( ) The Skulls
(x) Cruel Intentions
( ) Cruel Intentions 2
( ) The Hot Chick
(x) Shrek
(x) Shrek 2

Total: 13/ 18 total so far: 93

( ) Swimfan
(x) Miracle on 34th street
( ) Old School
(x) The Notebook
(x) K-Pax
( ) Krippendorf's Tribe
(x) A Walk to Remember
( ) Ice Castles
( ) Boogeyman
( ) The 40-year-old Virgin

Total: 4/10 total so far: 97

(x) Lord of the Rings Fellowship of the Ring
(x) Lord of the Rings The Two Towers
(x) Lord of the Rings Return Of the King
(x) Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
(x) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
(x) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

Total: 6/ 6 total so far: 103

( ) Baseketball
( ) Hostel
( ) Waiting for Guffman
( ) House of 1000 Corpses
( ) Devil's Rejects
(x) Elf
(x) Highlander
( ) Mothman Prophecies
( ) American History X
( ) Three

Total: 2/ 10 total so far: 105

( ) The Jacket
(x) Kung Fu Hustle
(x) Shaolin Soccer
( ) Night Watch
(x) Monsters Inc.
(x) Titanic
(x) Monty Python and the Holy Grail
(x) Shaun Of the Dead
( ) Willard

Total: 6/ 9 total so far: 111

( ) High Tension
( ) Club Dread
(x) Hulk
(x) Dawn Of the Dead
(x) Hook
(x) Chronicles Of Narnia The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe
( ) 28 days Later
( ) Orgazmo
( ) Phantasm
(x) Waterworld

Total: 5/ 10 total so far: 116

(x) Kill Bill vol 1
(x) Kill Bill vol 2
(x) Mortal Kombat
(x) Wolf Creek
(x) Kingdom of Heaven
( ) the Hills Have Eyes
( ) I Spit on Your Grave aka the Day of the Woman
( ) The Last House on the Left
( ) Re-Animator
(x) Army of Darkness

Total: 6/ 10 total so far: 122

(x) Star Wars Ep. I The Phantom Menace
(x) Star Wars Ep. II Attack of the Clones
(x) Star Wars Ep. III Revenge of the Sith
(x) Star Wars Ep. IV A New Hope
(x) Star Wars Ep. V The Empire Strikes Back
(x) Star Wars Ep. VI Return of the Jedi
( ) Ewoks Caravan Of Courage
( ) Ewoks The Battle For Endor

Total: 6/ 8 total so far: 128

(x) The Matrix
( ) The Matrix Reloaded
( ) The Matrix Revolutions
( ) Animatrix
(x) Evil Dead
( ) Evil Dead 2
( ) Team America: World Police
( ) Red Dragon
( ) Silence of the Lambs
( ) Hannibal

Total: 2/ 10 total so far: 130

TOTAL: 130/239

Unrelated Ramblings

2007-07-29T07:21:19Z

I am absolutely exhausted. I stayed up Thursday night to help Jeremy finish his portfolio, and didn't get to bed until 6:30 Friday morning. Then on Friday night, I was so sleepy and yet not wanting to sleep, I again didn't get to bed until 6-ish on Saturday. AND I exercised really hard on Thursday, and haven't been eating as much, so my body is running on empty. Ugh. It's now 3:16 on Sunday, and I have to be up by noon to be able to clean the apartment (not that I have to) before 4 and then be able to make aebliskivers ('cause I want to) for the boys at 6. I should be in bed, and yet...hmmm...I think I'm worried about leaving and don't want to go to sleep because it brings me one day closer to going. :T

Also, I have two really adorable chocobos on FFXI. My first one got really creepy looking as a juvenile, but these two are going to be blue and black, respectively, and they're just freakin' cute! :D

Um...Stargate: Atlantis rocks. Must watch more.

Haven't written. Must do more of that post-move.

Will have to think about many, many, MANY things post-move, but don't want to contemplate that right now.

My CU app is finally complete. So they can finally review it. -__- I have little faith that it will be done by the time I need to be moving up there. Which means, if they admit me, I'll have to get a job until January and start then. Which means five months in the mother's house. Ew.

Now I go bed. Nigh-nigh.

O_o

2007-07-26T09:28:57Z

I have babies on the brain.

I don't WANT to have babies on the brain, but there they are.

I dreamt last night that I had a perfect, beautiful little girl. Only one person was there when she was born, and I don't even remember who that was. Not somebody important, at any rate. And then it went all silly sci-fi, and it destroyed a beautiful moment with stupid fear.

I know WHY I've been thinking about babies. But I really wish I would stop. I think a huge part of it is because I think Katie and her new husband are trying for one, and that just totally fried my brain. Not because they shouldn't, or because the baby won't be 100% adorable, which it will, but just because it puts things in different perspective. Erin has four, probably going to be cooking number five pretty soon. April has one. Cathie has two. I think, maybe, it's because our three musketeers had yet to conceive. We haven't really been that for many years, but the feeling is still there. Sisters united. Having been the first to be married, that doesn't feel like such a big step to me. Having a baby, though...that's huge. Getting married is just solidifying that which you've hopefully done for some time prior to the ceremony - it's not really a change. A baby means adulthood, even if one is not really an adult (reference two of the above mentioned mommies). A baby changes *everything.* Change and Holly are not always on speaking terms.

I haven't wanted a baby for months and months. The desire was completely and utterly transplanted out of me. My present circumstances, getting ready to pick up my life and try again, is not exactly conducive to the infant way of life. And yet, all it took was one stupid dream to bring it back.

And it's really weird, but every time I think about friends who have kids, I feel really sad. Mostly because we've lost touch, but also because I won't have the opportunity to be a part of their lives (both the mothers/fathers and the children) during the little kid phase. Like my dad's secretary/VP was in ours...only better. I'm sure Erin's kids have a boatload of 'aunties' and 'uncews' to make their lives more stable and joyful, but I still miss being one of them. I spent a lovely afternoon with her when the first one wasn't even a year old, I met the second at April's wedding, and that's it. Maybe it's because my second-tier family was so small, or because my dad was adopted, or because my cousin Eric isn't really my cousin in any legal sense of the word, but I've always had a sort of pride in making one's own family from those who mean the most.

Maybe I'm just being a nostalgic nutter. That's one of my problems with making friends, after all. I have acquaintances, and I have family. There isn't really much in between. I never really feel as if I've lost a friend when they're not around anymore...we've just put each other on a shelf for a little while. Which is, of course, why when I have to say goodbye to one it has to be in some huge, rather dramatic way. Without the emotional explosion (usually very well grounded in circumstance and cause), I'd never be able to let go. Though I don't lose friends, I do lose time with family and experiences to share.

Maybe it's because of the whole born in the week of the system-builders thing, or...you know...whatever...but for a big portion of my life I've attempted to build a community around myself, one conversation at a time. One little hometown that can grow and change, but will always have at least one door open for tea and cake when someone needs it.

......

::blink::

..........

No wonder I feel so completely depressed when I'm isolated...or that I can't seem to make a home out of any apartment, even when I really, really want to. Huh.

Post-Decision Humdrum

2007-07-20T15:48:51Z

I have this problem upon making large decisions. I make it, and I'm excited for one to two months. And then without fail, someone or something changes one small aspect of what the decision entails, and not only do I lose the verve, I get really nervous about it, too. Then, once those nerves build far enough, I drop all of it and cut my losses. It happens all the darn time. Most semesters of college suffered for it. My original selection of going to PA instead of NM did, too. Even my wedding caught it. Sometimes it works out for the better, like when I decided to leave CSU and become a supervisor at the theatre, instead of the other way around. That was one of the best things I've ever done. Without it (and the seasonal depression), I'd never have made some of the best friends I've ever had, including Jeremy. The wedding was sort of halfsies, since I think getting married in November was better timing than January, but it forced me to deal with a crapload of stuff, all at the same time, that I really didn't need on top of a split-second wedding. Some I know were really, really bad, like the first semester it happened at UNM, where I would have had a great deal of cool classes under my belt and felt better about myself and my place in life at the same time. Most, though, end up in that "Who knows?" category. Even the ones I think are bad have aspects of it. Is it a good thing, or a bad thing? Does it improve my future or seriously detract from it? I'd like to say it's my intuition exploding to the foreground after being ignored during the decision-making process, and that even though I'm unaware of it during or after, it's still a good thing. But I don't trust myself enough to do that.

It's happening again with moving back to Colorado. I was 100% gung-ho. I was pulling information together and doing things that needed doing even though I absolutely dreaded it. Some of the research worried me - reality jumping in to remind me that I won't get everything I want, no matter how hard I try, because it's based on desire not numbers - but I was still excited.

And then my mom woke me up to complain about her husband and his son, and it broke. She made it sound like even though she really wants me there, it'll put a cramp in Bill's life. Rather than trying to help her daughter and fight to help me improve my life (when I'm rarin' and ready to do it ASAP), she was wimping around trying to iron out his (even though in the same breath she complained that he doesn't do any of the life-oriented things she's asked and he's promised). It's one of those dumb little things that reflect on bigger problems to come. I knew living in the house with them would be hard, and it would/will seriously upset me, but I thought I could deal. Now, I'm not so sure. She asked, you see, if I wanted my room or if I would like to take the guest room, instead. She tried to phrase it like the latter would be in my better interest, but didn't succeed. Because if I choose my room, I will be kicked out and forced to sleep in the guest room whenever any of the asshole's friends and relatives show up for a visit. Why? Some ridiculous excuses about the bathroom. And (what I feel is) the real reason: Because the schmuck has taken over the basement. Because he doesn't want the disruption to "his" area. I never had any expectation that she would pick me over him, because that's not how she works. She has never in her entire life chosen to fight for her children in the face of someone else's comfort. I mean, I still for some unknown reason carry the hope that one day it will happen, which means it still hurts, but I don't go in thinking I'm going to get the long straw. But I also don't usually expect to get 100% shafted, either.

You know it's a really, really bad feeling, too, because that one thing destroyed everything. AND it's making me seriously contemplate staying, even as my allergies start to make me feel like total crap again. And when the habits Jeremy got rid of during break that make me cranky are starting to show up again. Now I feel like intuition is telling me to stay, when five days ago it was all but shoving me to CO. I no longer want to go. At all. I found myself pondering yesterday whether I could countenance throwing away the $210 in plane tickets and admission fees by staying.

I don't have second thoughts. Generally by the time I commit my whole self to something, I'm absolutely sure about it and have a meaty framework of a plan to use in going about it. It's never a niggling little doubt demon that makes me question. It's a behemoth that crashes through my framework and makes me rebuild from the ground up with new information. Usually I commit really fast to the second plan because once the scaffolding falls, I get a new, more appealing perspective. In this case, though, I honestly have no clue what to do. Wherever I go, I have to commit to two years (not the specifics, like what house I live in, but the overall plan). I don't want to do that, but my options demand it.

So here I am, stuck. Do I go, try to get my act together, but deal with the home-life from hell and a constant reminder that my mother is an idiot? Or do I stay, muddle through, and deal with constant anxiety, depression, and allergies?

Argh. I do so much better with short, challenging deadlines than giant, looming possibilities on the horizon. I'm so not patient when it comes to life, and I really need to work on it. I suppose I should just practice patience, and wait to see if Fate hands me more information closer to the fork in the road.

Sigh. I hate waiting...

School - Eek!

2007-07-08T16:39:11Z

It's now totally official. I am moving back to Colorado.

The application to CU has been completed. I'm just waiting on Monday so I can call the high school to get transcripts sent (which I'm dreading; they yelled at me when I went in to request them for Metro, back in the day) because Boulder works from a "what you've actually completed" standpoint. I can't decide if I like that or not. It's good to build on what came before, and yet they still make you take the same crap over again, so it's really not being useful at all. Oh well. If I get in, I'll have to live on campus in family housing (which is happily available to people over a certain age, so there's no worry that Jeremy won't be with me). That won't be so bad, I don't think, since it's family-oriented. Without a car and more time to plan, though, I doubt there's aught else I can do.

If I don't get in, I've also applied to Metro as a readmit. I WILL get in there. It's also about a quarter of the expense, which is good, but I'd have to live at my mom's...which...is BAD. (I think I forgot to mention here that a couple times over the last few days I was there, the mother's husband totally creeped me out. I think it may have been due strictly to his being Texan and drunk, two things which dramatically reduce the need for personal space, but...yeah. Still WAY creepy.) I might also be able to take classes online, which will happily increase my ability to have a steady job.

I'm getting a job (fingers crossed!) regardless of which of the above happens. Depending on class availability, though, I might be stuck with just a job...which is okay, too. I think that's Jeremy's top choice for this upcoming semester...that I get a cha-ching job so we can stop mooching. Especially since all of our loan money for the next three month went into the car, so we're...yeah... Anyway, a job would be tres excellente.

This week has kinda sucked. We went to Disney on Tuesday, which was nice, and not nearly as packed as one would expect the day before a holiday. Got to see loverly fireworks. And, since my allergies hadn't yet started to kick in, was likely the most I've enjoyed the park so far (except that I was exhausted). We spent the 4th just putzing around, and then saw Transformers, which was coooooool. I practically gasped aloud the first time Optimus Prime spoke, because it's the same fellow who voiced him originally, and that was just frickin' awesome. Oh, and we saw Little Shop of Horrors shadowcasted on Friday night. That was fun. :) But other than that, I've been half miserable all week. Between various stressors, I've had one massive stomach ache since I got back from CO. When nothing made it better (except maybe not eating, which wasn't really an option long-term), I went to the doc. She gave me meds to treat and soothe GERD (different ones than originally, when I should have kept taking them except I thought they'd be a pretty penny when I lost insurance, so didn't), and for the most part they've done their job. The lower half still hurts off and on, and I still get pains in various portions of my chest because of trapped air, but I'm no longer afraid to go to bed. (Twice over the last week, I had such bad pain when laying down I couldn't sleep, which made me anxious and tense, which made me feel like I was having a heart attack...which may sound melodramatic, but it isn't. It has all the symptoms, but thankfully I've accepted that and can move past the initial terror stage and try to ignore it. Still sucks, though.) Our sleep schedules have become royally screwed up over it, too. Too many nights of being up until 5 or 6 am. Jeremy has to go back to school tomorrow, and that is going to SUCK for him. Speaking of which, I have to go try to pry him out of bed for the third time this morning...

Oh, the Virtual-Gone-Wild Drama!

2007-07-03T18:43:05Z

So, I've been back home from CO for er...wow. Not quite a week. I could swear it's been longer. :P I've had stomach issues since the night I got in, and no clue why. If, after a couple more days of eating all things bland and uninteresting (and especially without tomato or chocolate or carbonic acid), I'll turn to the pharmacy. If OTC stuff doesn't help, I'll have to go to the doctor. Bleh!

I filled out financial aid forms over the weekend, which depressed me by reminding me just how much money we don't have. But it also makes me feel as if I'm moving forward. I think we've finally decided that Full Sail is out (can't spend another 2 years here; even if the allergies get better, my body now associates it with depression and large amounts of anxiety, so even when I feel okay I'm only waiting to feel crappy again). So I'm looking at all the schools I've previously attended (given that I'm a readmit with a likelier chance of acceptance). I think we ruled out UNM because I won't have a car. So that leaves CSU (as a last resort...I don't really want to go full circle to see how far I haven't come, thanks very much) and Metro in that category, and Boulder and UNC as other options. Beth said (at least half-jokingly, I'm sure) that I could sleep on her couch in her new apartment if I wanted. Amanda's boyfriend's parents own a house in Boulder which she said she could try to weasel away as a "student house" for all of us, since the boyfriend is moving up there to go to school. I might kill her in the process, but so might he. I actually like this one a lot...possibly because he's kinda like the more ambitious male version of me. I wouldn't need a car either way, nor if I went to Metro. I'd only have to live near a light rail station to get to Metro (huzzah the city planners who designed that brilliant idea! I would've done better had I not feared for my life every day I drove to campus). I would prefer to start in August, of course, but I doubt most of them have application windows still open. I suppose I should look that up, huh?

So I guess that makes it sorta official. I am moving. Which means Jeremy and I will be separated while he finishes school. In some ways, I think it'll actually be good for him. He's not allowed to do what's best for school while I'm here, since I'm stuck at home all day with nothing else to do. If I'm not here, he won't have to worry about making me happy by showing up for meals or constantly calling to update me, or any schedule conflicts with others. I don't know about normal schools, but I can tell you tech schools are freaking hard while married. The top scheduling issues they've had while attempting to film things crop up for the marrieds, while the singles just go along with whatever. And there are a lot of issues. I think he'll actually get more made if I'm not here. The reason I'm going is to feel better, and be able to take care of my health issues, of course. But I do really think it will be better for his career and our future if he has more room to work now (which would have been solved ages ago if I'd ever been able to get a job, but no...stupid Florida).

The current state of emotions here was only made worse by Jeremy's brother, too. We've all been playing Final Fantasy XI since...er...April? I think. We finally had a group that could kick butt together. Jeremy got to interact with his brother and I had people I knew I could hang out with (even if virtually) as a comfort and something to look forward to. As far as long-distance hang-outs go, it was lovely. We were finally all to the point where we should be able to kill the *(&#(*&$(&$ dragon I've been trying to slay since we turned it off a year ago. And then Friday night, his brother said he would be on Saturday to play with us. Saturday rolls around, he doesn't show. So Jeremy calls. The next thing I know, Jeremy's having a shouting match with the phone. I have never seen him that angry. Ever. It was clear his brother had decided not to play anymore, randomly, out of the blue. Worse yet, he didn't see any reason Jeremy had a right to feel angry with him, or that he had any reason to apologize. At the end of the night, after an hour or two of Jeremy trying to get him to give a logical, understandable reason, his brother hung up and turned off his phone. This led to Jeremy freaking out that his brother, a highly emotional person, would do something stupid, like get in a car to go for a drive on a dark Wyoming road while crying too hard to see. So he called his parents, thinking that his brother just wasn't answering when *he* called. They ended up calling a friend near them in CA to get the number for the pastor of the church Micah works for, and asking him to find Micah. He spent who knows how long driving around the admittedly small town in search of him. Jeremy gave him space for a couple days, and he finally called last night. Still didn't apologize. Still didn't understand why Jeremy was so upset (and he didn't just decided not to play anymore, he deleted his character and dumped the game completely without talking to Jeremy about it, and it is the one thing they could do together). Somehow heard "I hate you" when Jeremy said, "Just so you know, I'm taking it personally and I'm mad at you." He also made it difficult for the friend of his who played with us to want to play anymore, destroyed half the fun of the game by tainting it with negative crap. And right after Derek bought the game. Jeremy is now more hurt than anything. But me, I'm still pissed and flabberghasted. I'm not the most religious person out there, I'm sure we'll all agree. So when someone tells me video games don't bring them closer to God so they're not playing anymore, I get a little confused. I can accept that as a personal choice, though. But when they say, "I can't play because God doesn't like it, and he won't let me enjoy it anymore," I get really, really confused. When they then turn to their friends and family and say, "If you want to keep playing, that's a choice you'll have to make," I get pissed. Because what friend isn't going to feel guilty? And my brain just totally shuts down when they follow it up with, "You can't be mad at me because it's God's decision." Denying one's responsibility in life steams my clams under normal circumstances; when people bring God into it so they don't have to own up, that totally and utterly alters my opinion of them. It's been a fun couple of days, let me tell you.

Argh.

So...yeah. There's more to that story, but it IS personal, so I won't blab it all over LJ.

Today, we're going to Disney. Likely it'll be hot and humid, and then beautiful and rainy, and then humid all over again. And BUSY. But that's okay. I want out. I want sun that isn't going to burn on contact. Woohoo! :D

Broken Holly

2007-06-12T14:22:32Z

Ouch. I actually exercised yesterday for the first time since my allergies got bad. I did good, too. Made myself finish the half hour on the bike I told myself I'd do, and I would've managed to complete five miles between that and the treadmill if I didn't have such a thoughtful husband who arrived to ferry me home in the car. The painful thing, though, is not my legs. I was sure it would be. Instead, my neck is KILLING me. From the top of my shoulders to halfway up my head. Just OW! However, it makes perfect sense. The way my body is built, I gain first up front. I have problems walking or standing or, say, going to Disney because after about an hour and a half, I get a massive, killer, exhausting neck-head ache. Thankfully, ibuprofen makes it nearly vanish. My posture sucks. Big time. When I use better support, the sinus drainage lines that run down the sides of my neck get cut off, which causes highly unpleasant back-fill (because my allergies don't generally fill up the front, easily-drained nasal passages...they fill up the ones around my ears). The only solution, then, is to deal with the pain and lose weight. For a considerable amount of time, I've also wondered if maybe what the doctor perceives as allergy is partially a muscle/bone problem. Because between my neck issues and the constant teeth-clenching, I would imagine I've messed up stuff in my head...

...but that's probably wishful thinking, since I'd rather have something I could fix through exercise than the allergies that never end...

And, as I just scheduled an appointment to get my ears checked before I fly to CO...and it's in 45 minutes...I need to get dressed. And wake up my poor, sick husband. Or maybe I'll just take myself...even though I haven't driven in about two months...

Ick

2007-06-11T16:08:11Z

Apparently, I still can't go outside for any period of time without feeling like complete crap later in the day. This severely pisses me off.

Disney is not as busy as one would expect on a random weekend over the summer. Especially when compared to the madness of April.

Traditional Norwegian meatloaf (kyotekaka) tastes almost identical to traditional Danish sausage (which I won't even attempt to spell).

Lingonberries are like angry cranberries.

Even now I'm an adult, fish is still disgusting.

My throat hurts.

Pretty sure Jeremy's sick. He spent a day at the drag racing track the other day (for a documentary project) and blames it on allergies and sucking in so much auto junk. But see above thought.

I can't figure out if karma's a bitch, or if the majority of upper management at the theatre were a bunch of donkeys in nice clothes.

Writer's anxiety dreams suck.

I'm huge. I need to start working out today...

Jeremy's giving me a writing day today...but I don't know if I want to use it...

Oh! And the important bit! I might just be about to make myself into an artist. And that scares the beejeebers out of me.

Thought Log, Away!

2007-06-08T17:28:09Z

Friday 6/8

Thoughts

I need to call the school. They're having a tour on Sunday, and I'd like to see the Graphic Arts and Design presentation. I've wanted to design web pages for a loooooooooooooooooooooong time, and it would teach me how to make them kick ass. Plus, it would be good for me.

Jeremy made dinner reservations...somewhere...for tonight. It's to celebrate finishing and sending the whoooole of Gryphon's Overture. Right now, I'm tired and don't want to go...

I wish Harlequin would hurry up and send me a reply to my partial! I wouldn't mind so much if it was a rejection; I just want to know what's up. Since it's been six months, I'd say it's about time. :P

I need to start writing again. We're already a week into June, and I've not written a jot!

All elements are in place to go exercise. Whew! I hate feeling fat and useless every moment of every day...and even if I can't fix the latter, it's more than time I fixed the former.